i have remembered me

i went to my best friend in pieces today. hemmoraging from the past couple weeks. she, for other reasons, but was in much the same state.

to sit across the table from someone you love, from someone who loves you, is a powerfully rejuvenating thing.

be yourself,

she said.

because she could see what was happening.

i don't like where this is going. be who you are. let yourself feel.

you see, i had, have, plugged up my emotion. i have heard so much of late that i'm too emotional, and while i replied,

it is who i am.

the comments kept coming. be more logical. stop indulging.

and so i did.

now i'm being told to have a good belly sob.

which i find kind of hilarious.

so, i met this haitian man today. he drove the rental car and me back to retrieve my car from the shop. i was relaying some of the information about my car, and he said a few things. to which i replied.

he paused, and said,

you could have driven that car back even if it wasn't working. the mind is a powerful thing. you have confidence that doesn't just come from nowhere.

his english was slightly broken, but he understood me completely. he had my name and number. i will likely never see him again.

but he was a father figure, stepping into my life and saying,

daughter, you are gifted beyond belief. believe it. continue to live it.

you see, i know i'm blessed. i know i'm favored.

even when the shit is coming down, i am safe.

this does not always elicit shouts of joy from those who are in my life. even on the periphery (mostly on the periphery, those folk i have to deal with, and who, admittedly, have to deal with me. poor bastards).

i understand there is more at stake than what i see, and that i have to stop psyching myself out when someone comes down heavy on me. i am more powerful than i give myself credit for. but today, it was reaffirmed again.

it took a complete stranger from another culture to empower me, to remind me of who i know i am. to get me.

one of the things said of me was that i'm

on a very short leash

at work.

these people think we're saving lives or curing cancer. but i'm on no one's leash. and i never will be. no man, no woman has power over me. they may be in a position of authority in my life, but that does not give them control over me or my future.

so the bullshit perceptions that have been dumped on me, i have been standing back saying,

fuck you all.

and, today, i was reminded why.

that which is mine will come to me. when i'm ready to move to a new job, the job will find me, as they have all in the past. before that time, there is something here for me to learn. at the moment i think it is not to psych myself out. to accept the blows and learn to roll with them. to let them glance off me, and to give myself over to goodness. even in the face of complete and total bullshit.

i trust.

it will all be well.

how will it?

i don't know, it's a mystery.