blown gaskets

well, the phrase suits me at the moment. i knew my car, my beloved pony was having issues. it's been faithful for over ten years now, pushing 213,000 miles. and finally, the gaskets are all shot to hell and the water pump leaking.

i rented a car i didn't really need, though, i'm glad to have the convenience of it. and why not? if my kid needed me, i need to be able to get to her. that's justification enough.

just off the phone with my advisor, who understands me. i'm grateful for it.

there is, apparently, a long list of grievances against me, that i had not even known existed. i'm so naive. when i learn of these things it is always with some awe. some surprise. and i have to not psyche myself out with the negative spiral that could ensue.

today i didn't. i'm glad. my head is no place to be sometimes.

i just thought i was doing better than i am, is all. perceptions cannot be gauged. though i did tell my new boss today,

i'm overly honest. probably my own worst enemy. if i do something stupid, you will hear about it from me.

i've never been one to cower behind lies. the truth has been brutal but loyal.

i can't keep track of lies. so i don't tell them. the truth is bone jarring enough for most people. if you really want to shock someone, tell them the truth. it is guaranteed to influence people, and not always in a good way.

so, my boss hears me out, and says,

we're going to get along just fine. you sound like me.

and i laughed.

i don't care about promotion anymore, i don't know that i ever really did. and i have a manager who is giving me a chance to be myself and show her what i'm made of. is it perfect, no. but perfection is not possible. nor is it required.

i'm doing the best i can. that's all i can say.

if that's not good enough, then it never will be. and parting ways is welcome. i am just feeling tired right now, and had a long cry with my mentor on the phone.

i'm sorry she had to hear it. that i had to clamor through all that emotion, but she was honest and sincere in her concern and appraisal of the situation.

so many wearisome thoughts, i will just go cry.

maybe tomorrow, laughter will light upon me for a while. i will be in the care of my best friend who lets me cry for a moment and then says,

come on, let's go do something.

she's not emotional at all.

it's strange how it works for us, but she balances me and my overmuchemotion doesn't bother her like her overmuchlogic doesn't bother me.

i don't even get overmuchlogic. how do you become that way?

surely, i will never know. too busy feeling.

hopefully i will grow. i need to change. to learn from these trials. i'm tired of the same lessons. i want to move forward. emotionally as well as in other ways.