remember to let go

there is so much. my professor said,

i have learned that we need to walk close to our personal fault line. where it feels like everything is going to cave in, family, job, friends, relationships. the tricky part, is navigating a safe way out.

i have found myself at the epicenter of my life. it's curious that such things surprise me, but the build up to this certainly did.

now what to do here, besides gape in the hole, the rift that is before me.

feel it. it's what i know to do. last night, i put my head in my hands and wept. i went over everything again in my mind, what i've done the past year plus now, and if i would do it again.

and i would. for all the damnable trials of this season, it is where i'm supposed to be. there were no fewer trials then, i merely had someone to punt to. that's the thing, having a spouse is comforting in that they are a body beside you.

unfortunately for me, it was nothing more.

my girl said to me this past weekend,

you just couldn't last.

meaning, i left her dad, now here we are.

i replied,

you know what it was like. no, i couldn't last.

i know she thinks her life would be easier somehow, more familiar, but would it? does having back the familiar routine mean it's easier?

i have to answer no. particularly if that routine teaches her that a marriage is a deadlock in pain and misery. i had forgotten how to laugh. why i was alive. who i am.

that is no way to spend a life.

certain, this, i know pain. i know joy. i know myself again.

and each day, i learn more.

today, i have to get my car to the shop and rent a car. not huge dilemmas by any means, but perplexing in the timing of it and i really don't have a ride if i need one. again, no one to punt to.

so while i realized, my being stranded on the side of the road is a bad thing, i bought a membership to AAA. i am contemplating my options today. i was going to drop my car at the carguy's but then realized i'd be stranded at home. how to get to work.

better, to be in town, able to hop on a bus and cut my walk to work down. or, better yet, able to be picked up by the car rental place. i hope they have a car.

until now, i've had such an easy time of it. i just do what i do. while i feel fear and concern, there was someone to call. not so much any longer.

i am trying to make peace with the fact that i have to handle everything now. i have been handling everything, just last night it felt like a tidal wave. that one more thing sucked me under and i could not find my way up.

give me chocolate!

i told my kid.

and the placebo did little for me, but it was a diversion, certainly.

there comes a time when we must grow up. i have reached that place. am living from that place. and, well, finding it rather daunting.

all my comforts of the past are gone. and i'm grateful i have my girl. but i want to teach her how to be healthy and strong. independent.

hopefully, i'm accomplishing that. must get ready, the car ordeal begins. and i trust it will be well.