be here now

i am reminded of many things i had learned, thought i'd incorporated into my life.

seems i've fallen into familiar patterns and modes of thinking.

i need to remember the lessons i've learned and not forsake them. hardwon they were. hardwon.

sometimes though, i forget there are reasons for what i do. even if those reasons are buried in my mind, and i cannot uncover them at will. there are experiences i've had that have led me to this place, where i am today.

trusting that center. that knowing. trusting who i am, is profoundly difficult right now. i guess because it's not in opposition to anyone. i am just me. free. unencumbered (save by myself). and that is something new for me.

i am trying to understand how it works, atonomy. freedom.

i am making a lot of choices now, i wouldn't have made for myself previously, because i am incoroporating some level of comfort, however scant, into my life. comfort used to be my first sacrifice, now, it is a consideration.

ease of mind. ease of body. ease of soul. while they are none all attained at once, i must look to the care of each. and by ease, i don't mean lamborgini or harvard. i mean, ease for my life. in the context of my life. not extravagance. i don't and have never needed excess, expense. but i also have never feared expending what i need for what i want. abundance means very different things to us all. for me, it's a new pair of converse and a leather jacket. for someone else, not so much.

we saw avatar in 3d at imax last night. last night of it showing there is tonight. my girl got woozy from the 3d, but i loved it. it was gorgeous, soulful, and worth it. so worth it. we stayed out till almost midnight, and i kept telling her,

you only turn thirteen once.

we had a blast.

that, for me, is extravagance. but she is worth it. every bit of it.

her life has so radically changed as a byproduct of my liberation. i try not to let this guilt me into action, but to give freely, generously as i see it would bless her. i am not easily manipulated. i am not easily fooled. she knows this. she doesn't try very hard, because it's pointless.

i have to work today, and i just want to see the divine in everyone i meet. to find it in myself again. to understand that even when we fail, even when we're scared, even when our liberation costs others, changes their lives, that we are still worth liberating. by our liberation others are also set free, i believe this.

and today i go and live it.

i trust. it is my nature.

i will do my best today, and know peace.