cave paintings

do you know what it's like,

i asked.

she listened.

like my mind is a cave and you've painted and carved images all over it. i have to look out through my eyes and not stay in my head.

she's there. she knows she's there. i know she's there. i try to do the things that need be done. tend to what needs my attention. and sometimes, we connect.

relationally, i've come a long way. i don't need traditional anything anymore. not even commitment. i don't really want it. but this living in a new way comes with uncertainty. it comes with a high trust quotient. trust who, you ask. myself. that i will know what to do when it's time to do it.

so i go climb mountains, and meet new people and see new sights, because i need beauty. i need to be embraced by beauty.

sometimes i can explain it. sometimes i can't.

and i live so far from the world of places and things. i walk in a presence i have never experienced before. because it is the only place i am safe.

and when she comes to me, and i open my arms again, my mind is free. my heart is free. she is free. it's something.

i have come from a very far country, it has been an arduous journey. but i would do it all again.

all of it.

yoga toes

we were sitting in washington park when i slipped my foot out of my platform flip flop and spread my toes out, we were both looking at my feet, i said,

hello foot.

don't know why, i just do these things.

you have yoga toes,

she said.

i looked at her not having a clue what she meant.

it took me a long time to get my toes to spread out like that. i heard a teacher once say that your life will change when you can spread your toes.

how will my life change,

i looked askew at them spread out before me.

i wonder how my life will change.

i described to her my daughter, who at eighteen months thought it perfectly normal to carry a ball point pen in her pony tail, that is where i sheathed mine, more often than not. and when said ball point, or crayon, fell to the ground, she would not bend at the waist to retrieve it, she would reach her foot toward it and use her toes.

she is so my child.

i said the first time i saw her do that.

i stopped short of describing my poem prehensile toes, because the story got the point across. i use my toes like fingers.

so today, as i spread my toes out wide on my yoga mat, she had us lift them up into the air. then touch down the pinkie toe only. then add only the big toe. i never knew i could do that, or i knew but it had never been asked of me to do that. so the class let out a collective

oooohhh

when we all discovered simultaneously how easy it is to arch your toes. a bit of childlike wonder. like we'd never known what we could do with our own bodies.

i want my body back,

was my saying before i rejoined the gym. this foot injury has taken its toll but it's time for it to stop. the downward spiral is over. time to build strength and stamina. to get my body back.

so far this week, i've attended three classes and will do a fourth tonight. i'm not sure if you can do too much yoga, but i'm going to do it as much as i can because i feel strong and balanced when i do it. a feeling i need to remind me that my body is mine. it has always been mine.

when one sustains an injury that must be accommodated, it's a bit of a mindfuck. somehow there is a limitation, whether one objects or not. a limitation exists. i do not live by limitation, i live by possibility. for months on end this foot thing had me sidelined and i couldn't figure out why it took such a toll mentally, let alone the physical part.

of course now i see i most likely wouldn't have passed last semester had i not been sidelined. i'm grateful for the time to focus on what needed my attention most. my life swung into this reprioritization that i had no say in. i just went with it. i didn't ask many questions about it, because i had tasks to accomplish. i can be very mulish when presented with a task.

so when my semester ended, and i was still catering to the foot, months later, even now in some ways i still cater to the foot, i am in yoga trying to expand my repertoire.

vinyasa proved nearly undoable for me because it is so foot aggressive. but i breathed through it and took it very slow. i had to alter my pattern and step into downward dog rather than jump. my foot cannot handle it. but this is a concession. i understand. the goal for me is not to blow out my foot, but to progress to a level where the concessions are limited in number because my foot has regained strength and flexibility. i'm tired of limping and gimping around.

so we sat on the bench wrapped in each other's arms, looking at my toes, and i said,

i wonder how my life will change.

depersonalizing

it is hard to separate out those things that are a loved ones at times, from things that are mine.

the harder i try to forget, to let go, the tighter the web wraps around my heart and mind. i strangle myself this way.

i would like to say i understand what is transpiring. i don't. nothing new there.

i just hadn't expected it to be so hard.

i keep trying to detach. to cut the cords. sever the connections. but as fast as i slice through them, they mend.

how many heads does the hydra need before i catch on.

they flail about me, i compound my own battle. i don't know how to win this particular battle. to face this particular foe.

it seems i'm going to have to write my way out of this. because when nothing else makes sense, this approach works for me.

i look intently into the face of my foe, study the contours of his face. the way my heart hurts in his presence. and come home, pecking away at the computer, and anchor him to a place in time.

sometimes, the foe is too strong to face head on.

so i wait. as the spider on her web, for the tremor of silk.

then i will seize my catch and in turning it over in my mind.

will find freedom.

reflections

attended my first tai chi class in probably three years today, could it have been that long.

it was strange in the manner of strange. i'm still reeling from it. and what i've come to understand is this, i saw myself.

sometimes it's easiest to say, this person that. or that person this.

i have no one left to point to except me. in my lucid moments, when i understand, this seems obvious.

but when i'm wallowing in confusion. it's not so easy. far easier, to blame. to say, it's you. when in fact, is has always, only been me.

my quandary, this. i heard a teacher say,

if someone is using guilt against you, it is not them. it is you. your unconscious guilt. they are reflecting the guilt you feel at some level. the things they say do not come from them, they come through them.

mooji

my mind extrapolates this thought out and i'm left spinning.

but then again, that's just me. my reaction to truth.

i've been sitting with myself all day, trying to let go. to breathe. to release my idea of what i needed that tai chi instructor to do for me. ultimately i have decided, she can do nothing for or against me. i have to make the decision myself to return to the class. to face the thing that i reacted so strongly to. to stand there with it and let it unnerve me. to find myself in that place of discomfort. to watch it transform.

i do not think dis ease is to be avoided out of hand. sometimes, it presents itself for a reason.

what reason is this.

i do not know.

as i buried my head in my hands and wept over my divorce that did not come to realization, i understood, this is an opportunity for me to experience heartache amidst a very happy time in my life. so i do not lose the compassion sorrow begets.

have i done well with it.

whose to say. but i have tried to be mindful. to recognize sorrow as a teacher, equal to joy.

it has taken such great courage to embrace joy because it's fleeting. i don't want to lose it or let it go.

but i have no control over it. over any of it.

i must let it all go.

and find myself in the silence.

today this meant, sitting with great dis ease. and not turning away from it.

offering it a cup of tea. and the question,

what do you have to teach me today.

yeowga!

have been trying out new instructors at my new gym. today's instructor made my entire body feel like jello within ten minutes. i'm not sure if that's a good thing. it's hard for me to feel totally lame, accommodating foot still, and try poses i can't remotely get in to. fell out of a couple today that i was fine with on weds, so i know it has a lot to do with the way it was done. that's no one's fault, just something i understand, which makes me feel better. i would have felt like a loser had this been my first yoga class at this gym, but it wasn't. so i know there is a spectrum. since i can't subscribe to any one class, i will continue to test myself with the spectrum.

tonight is a my chemical romance concert. my daughter and i are going together and i'm excited. when we were standing there watching them last time, i couldn't believe i hadn't wanted to come to either show. sometimes i get lazy. the city seems daunting, and, well, there are lots of reasons. but we were there, ear to ear grins, and saying, what were we thinking. we're suddenly glad we get to go again, it's like a treat.

we're hoping the architects open again, we liked them. the neon trees, for me, not so much, but my girl liked them. that was their last show with mcr, so fortunately, i don't have to see them again.

she's hooked on the concert scene now. just as i was. and i am glad i'm able to support her in that.

it's gotten suddenly chilly the past few days, and it's wonderful. i like to bundle up. to be cozy under blankets. to wear sweaters. then there are pockets of sunshine and i pop on my bathing suit and bask. life is beautiful at the moment.

i'm off to soak in a hot tub. my daily ritual. something about the stillness, the way the water holds and soothes. the layering in of salts and oils, applying masks, and using a fancy bar of soap a dear friend encouraged me to buy. there is something wonderfully restorative about those things in combination.

and when i'm done, my skin steaming, my mind at ease, i will emerge, and rest or wander down to the river, where i'll bask on a rock, until it's time to get ready, or until some other diversion presents itself.

life is good. and what i've come to understand is that when you expect life to be good, the cold cup of orange juice has a particular zing. the warm rice, good company, all these things, matter. when you look for the good, the good can be found. which makes perfect sense since when i look for something to complain about, something always presents itself. i'm looking to rejoice now. to marvel in simplicity and revel in the mundane.

starting with the lighting of candles, and the hot bath.

then, who knows.

estranged still

i'm trying not to let the fact that i'm not divorced yet throw me into a tailspin.

yesterday proved most difficult, in that while i was being prepped for trial, my attorney got word that the judge had an emergency and had to cancel. i remain an estranged wife. as much as i like that phrase, i don't want to be anyone's wife anymore.

i want to be free.

now i contemplate how to honor the commitments i have while relinquishing my claims to things. it is not possible to hedge bets, to win every game. to even consider this a game. this was a significant life choice that i am trying to unmake. but the aftereffects remain. we have issues to contend with.

at least we're talking now. we are trying to come to terms between us, without the courts. and in the meantime, secure a divorce ourselves.

i don't know what it takes to make two people agree to help one another out.

but i know that harming my ex does not better me. i don't want him crushed, i don't want him to lose anything he wants to keep. i explained a lot of what transpired from my perspective over the past year, and he said,

i'm sorry.

i've never heard those words from him before. never.

it could be false contrition. i am not so naiive to think that everything, particularly in times of duress is so noble.

but i told him yesterday,

i trust you on some level, i married you. but i don't want to make you suffer.

so in this respite, this court mandated respite, he has some work to do. and we will try to agree on how best to parent out child.

and i have cried so many tears, enjoying the sadness that has come to me.

surprised by the sadness that has come to me, why am i sad. i'm not entirely clear on it, the best i can guess is, i had my heart set on being free today. on having a little slip of paper that would include today's date and my liberation.

but then again, i am empowering them too much, aren't i

i am free. i am liberated.

now to settle the property issues. i was willing to walk away once, i still am. so why haggle over it, except that i have a daughter to provide for. a child to keep.

i trust it will be well.

or as i'm fond of saying,

all ends well

how does it

it's a mystery

destress

i knew this morning a long soak would do me well. but i had things to accomplish. deadlines to meet. important deadlines, not procrastinatable, because i'd put them off for so long. yes, that was completely my bad.

my divorce trial is weds morning. i have not sent one scrap of documentation to my atty, so today, i had to make it so. it was all compiled, i actually forgot about the hearing completely, if they hadn't told me to get on with it, i would have missed the phone appearance, because it just isn't on my radar at the moment. sure i want to be done with this, but i am not thinking about ends, or messy trials. i'm in a very good space of late.

anyway, i was standing at the copy machine, literally having to belly breathe, because i felt so tight. my back like a hunk of wood, a feeling i'm not familiar with, goddess be praised, and so i'm breathing in. and out. deeply. consciously. because i'm not wanting to stress about anything. there is no reason. it was my body on some kind of freak out setting, and i didn't want to freak. everything was okay.

i had contemplated, for a moment, using the copy center closest to me, but i know the guy at the copy center a bit farther away, and i knew if i had any kind of confusion, i'd explode (not that it was close to happening, but i needed to be comfortable and safe in my environment). so i drove myself to the copy guy i know, and the copying of things was frustrating as it can be, but it progressed smoothly because i had minimized the variables. i know the guy, he knows me, we're good.

but i still had mounds of paperwork to organize.

ultimately, i went to the library to sort through the paperwork and not have the distractions of my home, the paperwork sorting went quickly and i was grateful. i saw a friend, again, i was grateful.

the sorting went well, and i made it to the post office, another trial of my stress and patience waved by going to the now familiar though formerly irritating postal worker whom i am choosing to smile at and say hello to. we even chat some now and again. i realize, if i'm giving people the ojos, it's no wonder they are crabby with me.

i smile wide and say,

hello. good morning.

just being nice. though i hate that word. it has taken me a long time to practice this because when i stress i lash out. or used to. so i guess today was a particular triumph on many levels.

so i finally make it back home, after being on the phone with courts in texas and services all over the place. one goof up which tried me was my atty's secretary gave me the bench phone number. so, i called the judge herself, and asked a question. i keep reminding myself, accidents happen. it's not malicious.

went to pick up my nee at the bus stop and was escorted at least partially by four cats, the three little ones and the momma. and the whole way by two, until the second one darted. the cats follow me around. one walked with me down to the river (and has twice accompanied me to the bus stop to see nee off, or pick her up). he was no fun by the river, sat there and yowled the entire time. cut my time short, but it was nice to have company, even impatient, meowing company.

i plopped into a hot tub and lit candles. which is what would have served me this morning, but at least i got to it. and now i'm preparing to go to a public hearing for one of the areas i report on. the day is not yet over.

i think everything is arranged, i will appear by phone on weds, which is quite a coup, though i don't see why they need me to physically be there when i have an attorney representing me.

i need some pampering, so tomorrow i will go to a rockin yoga class, where she will twist me into a pretzel and help me to center.

i'm grateful, for these trials which show how much growth has occurred.
i'm grateful for the trial which will settle the marriage issue at last.

it is all good. every last bit of it.