estranged still

i'm trying not to let the fact that i'm not divorced yet throw me into a tailspin.

yesterday proved most difficult, in that while i was being prepped for trial, my attorney got word that the judge had an emergency and had to cancel. i remain an estranged wife. as much as i like that phrase, i don't want to be anyone's wife anymore.

i want to be free.

now i contemplate how to honor the commitments i have while relinquishing my claims to things. it is not possible to hedge bets, to win every game. to even consider this a game. this was a significant life choice that i am trying to unmake. but the aftereffects remain. we have issues to contend with.

at least we're talking now. we are trying to come to terms between us, without the courts. and in the meantime, secure a divorce ourselves.

i don't know what it takes to make two people agree to help one another out.

but i know that harming my ex does not better me. i don't want him crushed, i don't want him to lose anything he wants to keep. i explained a lot of what transpired from my perspective over the past year, and he said,

i'm sorry.

i've never heard those words from him before. never.

it could be false contrition. i am not so naiive to think that everything, particularly in times of duress is so noble.

but i told him yesterday,

i trust you on some level, i married you. but i don't want to make you suffer.

so in this respite, this court mandated respite, he has some work to do. and we will try to agree on how best to parent out child.

and i have cried so many tears, enjoying the sadness that has come to me.

surprised by the sadness that has come to me, why am i sad. i'm not entirely clear on it, the best i can guess is, i had my heart set on being free today. on having a little slip of paper that would include today's date and my liberation.

but then again, i am empowering them too much, aren't i

i am free. i am liberated.

now to settle the property issues. i was willing to walk away once, i still am. so why haggle over it, except that i have a daughter to provide for. a child to keep.

i trust it will be well.

or as i'm fond of saying,

all ends well

how does it

it's a mystery