depersonalizing

it is hard to separate out those things that are a loved ones at times, from things that are mine.

the harder i try to forget, to let go, the tighter the web wraps around my heart and mind. i strangle myself this way.

i would like to say i understand what is transpiring. i don't. nothing new there.

i just hadn't expected it to be so hard.

i keep trying to detach. to cut the cords. sever the connections. but as fast as i slice through them, they mend.

how many heads does the hydra need before i catch on.

they flail about me, i compound my own battle. i don't know how to win this particular battle. to face this particular foe.

it seems i'm going to have to write my way out of this. because when nothing else makes sense, this approach works for me.

i look intently into the face of my foe, study the contours of his face. the way my heart hurts in his presence. and come home, pecking away at the computer, and anchor him to a place in time.

sometimes, the foe is too strong to face head on.

so i wait. as the spider on her web, for the tremor of silk.

then i will seize my catch and in turning it over in my mind.

will find freedom.