Monday, May 02, 2011


i knew this morning a long soak would do me well. but i had things to accomplish. deadlines to meet. important deadlines, not procrastinatable, because i'd put them off for so long. yes, that was completely my bad.

my divorce trial is weds morning. i have not sent one scrap of documentation to my atty, so today, i had to make it so. it was all compiled, i actually forgot about the hearing completely, if they hadn't told me to get on with it, i would have missed the phone appearance, because it just isn't on my radar at the moment. sure i want to be done with this, but i am not thinking about ends, or messy trials. i'm in a very good space of late.

anyway, i was standing at the copy machine, literally having to belly breathe, because i felt so tight. my back like a hunk of wood, a feeling i'm not familiar with, goddess be praised, and so i'm breathing in. and out. deeply. consciously. because i'm not wanting to stress about anything. there is no reason. it was my body on some kind of freak out setting, and i didn't want to freak. everything was okay.

i had contemplated, for a moment, using the copy center closest to me, but i know the guy at the copy center a bit farther away, and i knew if i had any kind of confusion, i'd explode (not that it was close to happening, but i needed to be comfortable and safe in my environment). so i drove myself to the copy guy i know, and the copying of things was frustrating as it can be, but it progressed smoothly because i had minimized the variables. i know the guy, he knows me, we're good.

but i still had mounds of paperwork to organize.

ultimately, i went to the library to sort through the paperwork and not have the distractions of my home, the paperwork sorting went quickly and i was grateful. i saw a friend, again, i was grateful.

the sorting went well, and i made it to the post office, another trial of my stress and patience waved by going to the now familiar though formerly irritating postal worker whom i am choosing to smile at and say hello to. we even chat some now and again. i realize, if i'm giving people the ojos, it's no wonder they are crabby with me.

i smile wide and say,
hello. good morning.
just being nice. though i hate that word. it has taken me a long time to practice this because when i stress i lash out. or used to. so i guess today was a particular triumph on many levels.

so i finally make it back home, after being on the phone with courts in texas and services all over the place. one goof up which tried me was my atty's secretary gave me the bench phone number. so, i called the judge herself, and asked a question. i keep reminding myself, accidents happen. it's not malicious.

went to pick up my nee at the bus stop and was escorted at least partially by four cats, the three little ones and the momma. and the whole way by two, until the second one darted. the cats follow me around. one walked with me down to the river (and has twice accompanied me to the bus stop to see nee off, or pick her up). he was no fun by the river, sat there and yowled the entire time. cut my time short, but it was nice to have company, even impatient, meowing company.

i plopped into a hot tub and lit candles. which is what would have served me this morning, but at least i got to it. and now i'm preparing to go to a public hearing for one of the areas i report on. the day is not yet over.

i think everything is arranged, i will appear by phone on weds, which is quite a coup, though i don't see why they need me to physically be there when i have an attorney representing me.

i need some pampering, so tomorrow i will go to a rockin yoga class, where she will twist me into a pretzel and help me to center.

i'm grateful, for these trials which show how much growth has occurred.
i'm grateful for the trial which will settle the marriage issue at last.

it is all good. every last bit of it.

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