reflections

attended my first tai chi class in probably three years today, could it have been that long.

it was strange in the manner of strange. i'm still reeling from it. and what i've come to understand is this, i saw myself.

sometimes it's easiest to say, this person that. or that person this.

i have no one left to point to except me. in my lucid moments, when i understand, this seems obvious.

but when i'm wallowing in confusion. it's not so easy. far easier, to blame. to say, it's you. when in fact, is has always, only been me.

my quandary, this. i heard a teacher say,

if someone is using guilt against you, it is not them. it is you. your unconscious guilt. they are reflecting the guilt you feel at some level. the things they say do not come from them, they come through them.

mooji

my mind extrapolates this thought out and i'm left spinning.

but then again, that's just me. my reaction to truth.

i've been sitting with myself all day, trying to let go. to breathe. to release my idea of what i needed that tai chi instructor to do for me. ultimately i have decided, she can do nothing for or against me. i have to make the decision myself to return to the class. to face the thing that i reacted so strongly to. to stand there with it and let it unnerve me. to find myself in that place of discomfort. to watch it transform.

i do not think dis ease is to be avoided out of hand. sometimes, it presents itself for a reason.

what reason is this.

i do not know.

as i buried my head in my hands and wept over my divorce that did not come to realization, i understood, this is an opportunity for me to experience heartache amidst a very happy time in my life. so i do not lose the compassion sorrow begets.

have i done well with it.

whose to say. but i have tried to be mindful. to recognize sorrow as a teacher, equal to joy.

it has taken such great courage to embrace joy because it's fleeting. i don't want to lose it or let it go.

but i have no control over it. over any of it.

i must let it all go.

and find myself in the silence.

today this meant, sitting with great dis ease. and not turning away from it.

offering it a cup of tea. and the question,

what do you have to teach me today.