the things we tell ourselves

i happened to see this as my soon to be ex was flipping through the channels on the tv. it was furniture for my future home. i sat, gawking and wishing it were mine now. that the life to go with that furniture were mine now.

a girl can dream, anyway. and so i shall.

i know it's an expensive habit, dreaming. but that's how it goes.

and today, my paleontologist co-worker who is as burned out as the rest of us, said to me,

are you optimistic?

yes, i am optimistic.

about what?

he said.

about everything and nothing at all.

that doesn't make any sense,

he said.

and i said,

exactly.

it's strange how my language, my way of being, my vantage point is a complete contradiction.

i'm proper.

he said.

i'm not.

i said,

i don't know that i ever will be. i think it's something that comes from raising. i don't know that i could pass for proper now. i think it's something cultural, do you agree?

yes.

he said.
.

i think it's more of a european thing.

yes.

he said.

and whatever proper is, i don't got it. end of story.

i went on to tell him,

i was raised with different priorities, i guess.

and then a customer came in.

it's a curious thing, connecting with co-workers, because they aren't your friends. they won't, likely, ever be my friends, but they are in my life quite a lot. this shared space gives many the illusion of closeness, but it's not. we work, we go home. we don't think about co-workers, save the writing here of little this and thats, i don't think of them at all (unless i'm wringing my hands about something and that is not in the friendship way of thinking, but in the business, how the hell do i handle this way of thinking).

before i give away too many of my dreams, i'll just shuttle them away and keep moving in their general direction.

i need to make my way there. i will make my way there someday.

ache my feet

not my heart! oh, let it be so. let it be so.

and, it is. my feet are throbbing, that's for sure. first time at this job that i've felt this way. but i've never done this forty hour gig before now. today, a kid simply didn't show up for his shift tonight and i was left holding the bag.

you can't leave,

the other girl said.

i'm not going to leave you alone,

i told her.

but i'm sitting down.

i was wiped. so i took my braids out and put my feet on a chair, because after eight plus hours of standing, one needs to sit.

i was all giddy by the end, and moving at a snails pace, making a mess--serious messes. and we had kind understanding customers. they were patient and laughing. i was glad. one guy came in and he said,

i was here earlier and the line was out the door, but you still served me quickly, so i can wait.

thank you!

i said. and he waited.

i've got all the time in the world,

he said.

and i was just so grateful. because when you can only move so fast, there is nothing impatience is going to do but make it worse.

then, mercifully, i got a call from nicole, it finally went down and she's leaving the farm, meaning, i won't see bucky again.

but i'm too tired to miss him just yet, and maybe somehow, if a miracle happens, i can visit him. maybe.

i was hoping to spend the winter visiting him like i did last winter. it was very comforting. and i will miss him. i will miss him with my whole soul. but for now, my feet are all that matters.

so my boss, my poor, sweet boss is having to come in to close tonight after leaving yesterday and saying, don't call me suzanne.

and i didn't. the other girl did.

and so, he's closing tonight and i'm opening tomorrow. 4am. yay!

but i'm wiped now.

gotta veg then to bed as soon as the benedryl kicks in.

thank god for ibuprofen. this is what i love. this is what i love.

but this is not all i love...

nonevents and nothingness

there is so much i want to say to you, can you read between these lines and hear my heart, i think so, but i'm not sure anymore.

a customer came in tonight whom i'd met before and told me he'd hook me up with some jazz. we exchanged artist's names, but the moment he walked out the door, i forgot what they were. he came back tonight and said,

did you get a chance to listen?

no,

i said.

i'm so glad you're here because i didn't write them down.

well, i wrote them down tonight but he said,

don't buy any, i'll bring you some.

and i am grateful for this kindness. i have no time to shop for food, let alone music. and gifted music is something i've not received in a great while.

met a musician who was strikingly familiar, he evoked a smile from me whenever i'd look at him. he had one of those familiar faces. i told him he reminded me of a dear friend and that's why i kept smiling. i ended up telling him my friend is a drummer, a natural drummer.

well, i'm a basist

he said.

about as close as you can get to drumming without actually drumming.

yes,

i said.

he invited me to a place where he jams with a band, but plays the guitar instead of bass on that night (les paul jr. plays bass on those nights, i'd sit it out too if i had the chance). so, i may go. i told him,

i don't get off work until 11pm.

we play until 12:30.

bonus! something that actually fits into my schedule. and since, i'm tired, but not sleepy when i get off work, i may go by. he says this weekend might be busier than usual because of the holiday, so maybe i'll wait a week and go when there is no one.

i like anonymity. it suits me.

though you'd never know that here.

i met a guy who is from mexico. he makes the best greek salads, and i'm going to get to practice my spanish with him, i guess, as i gave him my digits since he'll be going back to mexico to study architecture. very nice.

i work with the sweetest girl, yesterday she was done with her break early and wanted to start work, but i told her no. and she said,

what do i do then?

and i said,

you can move my car

(parking is a bitch around there. we have to hop our cars around the four hour spaces, until it gets close to 7pm when we can park them on the street by our work).

so i hand her my ignition key and she looks at it,

how do i get in?

she asked.

i said,

old school. put the key in the hole and turn it.

she laughed.

and she moved my POS, parked it rather poorly, but i didn't care. one less thing for me to do.

but my boss tells me the cops ain't gonna ticket us if we park on the street by our work, because they love us. i figure, they may love us, but they may not know my car. i will still keep moving it around, i guess.

we're losing more people, and my boss is a really nice guy, i hate to see him all ag about the schedule, because he's trying really hard to help everyone out, but scheduling is a bitch. and he's getting fried.

he wanted to freak out before he left, but didn't. he's a good guy.

i think one of his favorite kids will quit if the schedule doesn't change. and that's the way it is, these kids don't need the job, necessarily. i don't need the job necessarily, so if we don't get our way, we leave. it's the only leverage we have.

but i'm hoping it will all work out. god knows i don't need any more days. 40 hours next week. yikes.

here we go. i do need a rest. like nobody's business.

but today we went to the pool and i got to lay on a rock like a lizard afterward.

i came up with a great storybook for my girl to write and illustrate. she said,

that's a great idea mom.

and i could see her light up.

don't talk about it,

i said. just do it.

and so, she asked me if she could tell her dad (i didn't make that connection until just now), she called me at work when we were banging busy, and i said,

yes. goodbye.

when asked,

can i tell dad?

just this moment did i figure out what the hell she was talking about.

ha! what a cutie.

tonight i come home to the sweetest drawing, the first for her book, no doubt.

i hope it gets picked up, it's a really good idea. and even if it doesn't, we'll self publish it. i've got too much shit to do to be worried about the marketing bullshit i'll have to research if we go with a publisher.

but i'll give it a try. if i'm lucky, it will take her some time to do it, but most likely, she'll want to do it right away. she's an artist. a good idea is all it takes.

we see the horseys tomorrow. i can't wait.

won't get off work until six, then to the barn which is about an hour away, we'll muck and feed, then home. probably won't be back home till ten pm. but, it's all good. i would do it for any friend. these friends just happen to be the big dreamy brown eyed kind.

i love those kinds of friends.

and this really is the only thing my girl and i do together that is just for us. (and them, we really do it for the horses, but we get so much out of it, our time with them, that we can't help but do this for them).

peace. out.

a pound returns

so, i haven't even had time to sleep, let alone workout this month. only three times i've made it to the gym. finally went today and only a pound of gelatinousness has returned. which makes me happy. i've not been behaving any worse, just sans working out. so i'm glad to see it didn't take me down the bad road. i get close to this particular number i've only broken once, and then head in the other direction. i'd like to break then pass that number. i think with all the belly dancing this semester that will happen. i missed my class last semester, but i'm looking forward to the old familiar routine again.

and if i can stay after class and practice, bringing along a large mirror, i will. i just don't have the space here at home, plus, i'm never alone. but i'll practice here, it's just easier to have a space that is private.

i had dreams of eagles last night. and then the large, huge crow who frequents my trees woke me. i wanted to talk to him, but i couldn't find him. i think he lifted off before i actually came to. he's nearly two feet, a huge crow. his caw is loud, as you can imagine. and when i hear him, i reply, and we go back and forth.

but if i'm in dreamland with eagles, it's hard to talk to the crow that wakes me. but i'm glad he did, i've been meaning to get to the gym.

and i keep waiting for that which i lost to return to me. to finally touch it again, to hear the ocean in a seashell, and to feel, to feel something other than pain.

i look forward to that. and there is so much to say, but i can say none of it here.

choose the right time.

i must away. pool today. then work.
i have to play some, as well as work. or i get crabby.

my calves look amazing though, very cut. hope the rest of me gets that way.

peace, out.

disempowered

so, i'm learning stuff, considering angles of belly dancing which have never crossed my mind before. where does one buy a sword? but i'm also coming to terms with long buried issues that i think have resolved themselves. i guess some would say, when it doesn't matter, they will be resolved.

but i'm glad i fought for my female prof. all ready the issues are stirring in me, and performing for men, just any random man i mean, is not where i'm at. never will be. i had considered the idea of just learning the steps of an all ready choreographed dance to just jump through that hoop. which i could conceiveably do. it would be soulless, but this is school. soul doesn't account for much from what i've seen. it's all straight lines and proper citation.

so, it is possible i could do that, save the cost it would exact from me. that would make the dance meaningless to me.

so i prepare to journey into the improvisational world of belly dancing where i'll dance to the songs i want and to the audience i choose.

if i can't get this thing videoed before, i know a poet whom i am immensely comfortable with that i could ask to watch/video me for my project. that would be putting it off to the last moment, but i could do it. i would dance at my poetry intensive, and restrict the dudes from coming. that is just how it is. i would even restrict most of the women. i don't want to be gawked at by those who have never shown me an ounce of kindness. fuck them.

i would rather just dance for those i love and who love me, and have demonstrated this love tangibly.

so i don't feel disempowered anymore. in fact, i think this semester will prove very empowering. it all ready has.

same ol' same ol'

so i'm home now. and had a good night at work. i enjoy my work. it's hard work, but it's honest work. that makes me happy. i didn't fall on my ass, that makes me happy. my boss is really a nice guy, that makes me happy.

i'm trying to spend more time focusing on the things that make me happy.

let me just write a blog about being happy. but see, i don't know what to say. maybe because i've not spent much time doing it.

the man at the gas station stays open late, that makes me happy.

the cop on the side of the road didn't pull me over, that makes me happy.

i'm trying to change my way of seeing, my way of being.

i'm acutely aware of what i do not have, i've longed for it for so long, that i have to stop, somehow force myself to stop seeing what i'm missing and see what i have.

i have a lot. i know this. many people would love to have what i have. good friends, good family. i can write. i have a decent sense of humor.

these are all good things. and when i don't get bogged down in missing what i miss, i can be here to appreciate what is here.

change is coming. i know it. i'm ready for it. but before i go, before things change, i need to experience this, to embrace this. to be here.

and so i am trying.

i spent so much of my life wishing it away. the pain of it. i don't feel pain so much anymore, not like a year ago. yes there is a dull ache, but mostly, i'm looking forward and moving forward, and this makes me happy.

today i decided to apply for mfa programs and see what happens.

there are three i've been invited to look into, two are residency programs, one is low-residency. i don't know where i'll end up, but this is not a bad idea. being in a masters program for a year might do me some good.

might not, but it can't hurt to try. and besides, what else have i got to do?

some part of me wants to just walk away from it all, to be gone, to vanish. but i can't do that just yet, i'm not ready. perhaps someday i will, but not just yet.

i am here. and here is enough for now.

i think tomorrow morning i'll print out the applications i need and start pursuing an mfa program in earnest. why not, right? what have i got to lose?

i've got some momentum with school at the moment, i'll take advantage of that and see what happens.

peace. out.


...so i went ahead and started the balls rolling tonight, i mean, why not? and most likely, i'll end up in the matriarch's program at binghamton university. she has been telling me to apply for two years now. i can't believe it's been that long. i'm glad i can do this now, this makes me happy.

maybe there is hope yet.

goodnight kids.

work again

work begins again today, my life is no different from any other's, i do not claim that it is. but at least with my coming forty hours, my boss only gave me five days instead of more. more would have been too much for me, and he preserved my two consecutive days off. i need them. i need that expanse of time to recover.

finished off two books yesterday, and now i need to read another today. i'm hoping i can knock out some of these belly dance books. in thumbing through, i see recipes and pictures, so, how hard can they be, i mean, really?

i chose many of the books simply by their availability at my library. it's the psych texts that are the time devourers. so, i'm glad i got one out of the way this week. there is not much to say, i'm reading, working, reading, working at the farm, reading some more. that's my life at the moment.

i've got to cram working out back into my schedule, as it has been too long since i've missed it. this is the first time i've missed weeks in a row, so i guess that's good. i think my aches and pains in my body are the result of not being worked out. what can i say. i have ground to make up.

but it is well. it is very well.

i'm not overwrought busy, just getting on with my life busy, and that is a good thing.

peace. out.