same ol' same ol'

so i'm home now. and had a good night at work. i enjoy my work. it's hard work, but it's honest work. that makes me happy. i didn't fall on my ass, that makes me happy. my boss is really a nice guy, that makes me happy.

i'm trying to spend more time focusing on the things that make me happy.

let me just write a blog about being happy. but see, i don't know what to say. maybe because i've not spent much time doing it.

the man at the gas station stays open late, that makes me happy.

the cop on the side of the road didn't pull me over, that makes me happy.

i'm trying to change my way of seeing, my way of being.

i'm acutely aware of what i do not have, i've longed for it for so long, that i have to stop, somehow force myself to stop seeing what i'm missing and see what i have.

i have a lot. i know this. many people would love to have what i have. good friends, good family. i can write. i have a decent sense of humor.

these are all good things. and when i don't get bogged down in missing what i miss, i can be here to appreciate what is here.

change is coming. i know it. i'm ready for it. but before i go, before things change, i need to experience this, to embrace this. to be here.

and so i am trying.

i spent so much of my life wishing it away. the pain of it. i don't feel pain so much anymore, not like a year ago. yes there is a dull ache, but mostly, i'm looking forward and moving forward, and this makes me happy.

today i decided to apply for mfa programs and see what happens.

there are three i've been invited to look into, two are residency programs, one is low-residency. i don't know where i'll end up, but this is not a bad idea. being in a masters program for a year might do me some good.

might not, but it can't hurt to try. and besides, what else have i got to do?

some part of me wants to just walk away from it all, to be gone, to vanish. but i can't do that just yet, i'm not ready. perhaps someday i will, but not just yet.

i am here. and here is enough for now.

i think tomorrow morning i'll print out the applications i need and start pursuing an mfa program in earnest. why not, right? what have i got to lose?

i've got some momentum with school at the moment, i'll take advantage of that and see what happens.

peace. out.


...so i went ahead and started the balls rolling tonight, i mean, why not? and most likely, i'll end up in the matriarch's program at binghamton university. she has been telling me to apply for two years now. i can't believe it's been that long. i'm glad i can do this now, this makes me happy.

maybe there is hope yet.

goodnight kids.