the things we tell ourselves

i happened to see this as my soon to be ex was flipping through the channels on the tv. it was furniture for my future home. i sat, gawking and wishing it were mine now. that the life to go with that furniture were mine now.

a girl can dream, anyway. and so i shall.

i know it's an expensive habit, dreaming. but that's how it goes.

and today, my paleontologist co-worker who is as burned out as the rest of us, said to me,

are you optimistic?

yes, i am optimistic.

about what?

he said.

about everything and nothing at all.

that doesn't make any sense,

he said.

and i said,

exactly.

it's strange how my language, my way of being, my vantage point is a complete contradiction.

i'm proper.

he said.

i'm not.

i said,

i don't know that i ever will be. i think it's something that comes from raising. i don't know that i could pass for proper now. i think it's something cultural, do you agree?

yes.

he said.
.

i think it's more of a european thing.

yes.

he said.

and whatever proper is, i don't got it. end of story.

i went on to tell him,

i was raised with different priorities, i guess.

and then a customer came in.

it's a curious thing, connecting with co-workers, because they aren't your friends. they won't, likely, ever be my friends, but they are in my life quite a lot. this shared space gives many the illusion of closeness, but it's not. we work, we go home. we don't think about co-workers, save the writing here of little this and thats, i don't think of them at all (unless i'm wringing my hands about something and that is not in the friendship way of thinking, but in the business, how the hell do i handle this way of thinking).

before i give away too many of my dreams, i'll just shuttle them away and keep moving in their general direction.

i need to make my way there. i will make my way there someday.