disempowered

so, i'm learning stuff, considering angles of belly dancing which have never crossed my mind before. where does one buy a sword? but i'm also coming to terms with long buried issues that i think have resolved themselves. i guess some would say, when it doesn't matter, they will be resolved.

but i'm glad i fought for my female prof. all ready the issues are stirring in me, and performing for men, just any random man i mean, is not where i'm at. never will be. i had considered the idea of just learning the steps of an all ready choreographed dance to just jump through that hoop. which i could conceiveably do. it would be soulless, but this is school. soul doesn't account for much from what i've seen. it's all straight lines and proper citation.

so, it is possible i could do that, save the cost it would exact from me. that would make the dance meaningless to me.

so i prepare to journey into the improvisational world of belly dancing where i'll dance to the songs i want and to the audience i choose.

if i can't get this thing videoed before, i know a poet whom i am immensely comfortable with that i could ask to watch/video me for my project. that would be putting it off to the last moment, but i could do it. i would dance at my poetry intensive, and restrict the dudes from coming. that is just how it is. i would even restrict most of the women. i don't want to be gawked at by those who have never shown me an ounce of kindness. fuck them.

i would rather just dance for those i love and who love me, and have demonstrated this love tangibly.

so i don't feel disempowered anymore. in fact, i think this semester will prove very empowering. it all ready has.