a moment of silence, and peace to settle my spirit i'd hoped.
my friend writes me this:
"To fulfill God's design means entire abandonment to Him. Whenever I want things for myself, the relationship is distorted. It will be a big humiliation to realize that I have not been concerned about realizing Jesus Christ, but only about realizing what He has done for me.
'My goal is God Himself, not joy nor peace, / Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God.'"
not joy nor peace? WHAT!?!
we have been unemployed for three years, i WANT a job for my husband.
do i want that more than God? hmm.
do i want that from God? hmm.
these questions strike me to the core. they hurt. they frustrate me beyond reason.
i want to want God above all else, but i don't. i want a job for my husband.
perhaps that is where my eyes have fallen from my Saviour and to my self.
who needs friends like Oswald, speaking from the grave? who needs to be challenged by the words of an old dead guy?
i do. i know i do.
they inspire me with what writing can be. it can be alive. it can be a mighty weapon in the Hand of God. it can be an altar where God and a living, fragile, frightened soul can commune.
yes, that is what i want my writing to be. that is what i want my words to be. that is what i want my life to be. a sacrificial place of communion with God, for others and for myself.
but most of all, i want God.
2 comments:
Great post, Suz.
I can relate to Oswald's statement. In the last few years our pastor has been sharing about the agape paradigm. If you visualize a circle with an arrow coming down and an arrow coming up and them intersecting within the circle, this is our communion with God. He meets us, we meet Him in intimate time in prayer, worship or in simply greeting Him. We can either stay in this place or we can come in and go out.
When we go out of His presence, we are isolated as we try to work out life on our own in our own way. In choosing to acknowledge and invite Him into our day, we allow Him to direct us, speak to us and provide for us. Contained within the circle is God and everything we need. He is our source for every need; material, physical and spiritual.
Lord, even though I feel the burden of my need and desire like a gaping hole in me, I have faith in You as my provider. Lord, again I lay my need and desire in Your hands and I thank You for providing for me. Help me to desire You more than life.
Lord, what talent do I have that could be used for Your glory that I may be a workman worthy of my wage? Help me to find the thing that I could do that won't be a huge struggle to get me motivated and a huge effort to accomplish. You know me. You know what I can and cannot and even refuse to do. I ask for Your mercy and grace to cover my weakness. Thank You for loving me just as I am and for meeting me there. In Jesus' precious name, Amen.
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