the exceptions

i'd rather be around nonchristians than christians any day. i'm sure that surprises no one. perhaps it's the weight of judgment, or percieved judgment, i feel around the saved, which means it is all in my head, and i'm the real problem. yes, that is probably true.

but imaginary judgment or real, i still feel more comfortable around the unsaved. call me crazy.

i've got to say i've met some profoundly wonderful christians of late, they seem to be the exception. why are all the exceptions available only by email, or internet? how come i can't find those exceptional people in my congregation or community? is the problem that i'm not looking, or only seeing my misperceptions? perhaps.

not that i don't want to be questioned on theological issues, fine. but after you've grilled me on my latest belief (which is the same as my former, there is only One God, after all, nothing's changed). i feel a bit less certain that you're not evaluating everything i say and do by some standard. is this wrong? sometimes i wonder if being utterly honest with my doubts and misgivings, as well as my certainties, will work against me rather than for me. i don't know. i don't know anything.

i do know that the conversations i most enjoy are those which are like a long walk on a sabbath. meandering, just let me be with you type conversations. not many have time for these type conversations which is perhaps why i feel the weight of judgment, because by the time i've settled your doubts about my dubious beliefs, you've got to go. so i get grilled and then you leave (i don't often let these types of conversations happen more than once or twice. i don't need those kinds of friends).

i find with the unsaved, i don't have to convince them that i'm all right. they assume that to be so. why is this assumption any different in the christian community?

i think the focus is too much on appearances. i don't tell many what i'm reading (all of it, that is) because i just don't want to hear it. i don't want to have to assure folks that i'm all right, that what i'm reading won't lead me down the path to ruin (that's a line from a tracy chapman song), i don't know where i'll end up. perhaps i'll end up ruined, but even then, i'll be all right. i'll still be in the Hand of God.

how can i give anyone certainty about my beliefs when i am so uncertain about anything and everything in life. either you believe me saved or don't, either way, it's not really my problem. i know that i know. you're understanding of my knowing isn't high on my priority list. and the unsaved just don't care about that stuff, but it seems like the only (ONLY) issue on the minds of many christians. but are you really saved? (they keep asking, maybe because i have changed churches and moved so much in my life, i find i need to keep meeting people and making my salvation known). settle their doubts, as it were.

but why?

i know we can't just assume everyone is saved, but i'd sure like to talk about the deeper things of God. the mysteries, in a noncombative way. an openended conversation with no real arrival at THE answers, because there are no real answers to the plaguing questions of the day.

i'd like to be in relationship with a bunch of christians who rest in the certainty of God's ability to keep the sheep in the fold. to retrieve the one and move forward. not always this, but did they escape, but did they escape question. such a skittish church. but maybe that is all just in my mind.

maybe i'm the only one who doubts if i am believing right, and am just projecting this on others (which is entirely possible).

i do not know. but i am grateful for those friends of mine who know that i know and move forward with me, meander conversationally with me, and don't always bring me back to the are you still saved question. i'm tired of that question.

last time i checked, God wasn't letting me go. if that has changed, and likely it won't, there's nothing can be done about it from this end. so why belabor it?