sometimes the words betray me. truth is too true, even for me to stomach. and i ache at the sound of it. a truth came like this to me yesterday, i wrote it and carried the pain of it with me. i had to leave the house, and that, at times is difficult for me, an exertion of great proportions. i have very little time here to just be still and silent. without having to go out.
so yesterday's words came. on the heels of previous pain. and i realized, i haven't much of a capacity, a vocabulary for joy. to describe it. to enter into it, to convey it. is that because i do not know it. i do not want to know it. or is it because i just have not studied it as i've studies so many other things and found their dedicated language familiar and incorporated it.
so i will study joy. as i set out to do this year. i have found some here and there, but i didn't realize until now, how lacking, deficient my ability without the words. where do i find them? i'm not really sure. i just have to look. and take them into me like so many words before them. like all the dark words that resound in me. like all the painful words and honesty that i so easily speak.
and then, someday, like acquiring a taste for a foreign food, i will hunger for it. i will mix up little biscuits and offer them to the hungry. i will have words to exhort one to joy, not merely from pain.
my words betray me. but not all betrayals are without merit. some are essential. crucial. necessary. some betrayals redeem.
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Wishing you joy, peace, love and all the fruits of the Spirit. These are your birthright as a child of God.
Sometimes we have to go through the pain first, go through the desert and the wilderness first.
It's a transition between the world and the Kingdom of God. But it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom.
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