was

is a terrible word.

i was feeling fine.
i was feeling not stressed (until i realized it's GS cookie sales time again)
i was ...

such a loaded word.

now, i'm trying not to think of it. i've been so busy this year, i haven't had time to help my daughter's troop out at all. i'm hoping that changes, but the squeal of little girls is not my favorite sound in the world. it is right on par with the squeal of breaks before a crash. not a sound i want to hear any time soon.

i guess some part of me is just taking a break from the whole gs thing, too. i founded a troop for my daughter to be involved, i had to carry that troop and assorted parents and girls for a couple years. it was exhausting. i decided i would not do that again willingly.

but i feel kinda bad about it. not being involved. i don't have to be so i am opting out of a great many things. excursions if you will.

my daughter keeps asking about going to girls only camp alone. i'm not sure if i'm brave enough to let her yet. and now we have to go hit the streets and try to sell some cookies.

selling stuff is not a fun thing for me. people are rude and some just slam the door on the little girl in front of them. these are all things i try not to react to lest i encourage pitying ways in her.

she gets sad about it, but i give her the, you can't control people, but you can control how you react talk. i've given it a thousand times. i need to listen to it more than just recite it.

i'm thinking a lot about desire these days. perhaps my thoughts will congeal into something. anything. perhaps not. i guess it remains to be seen.

peace.