cocoon of words

couldn't sleep tonight. so here i am, doing what i do in the wee hours. bad dreams. haunting memories. i've come to realize that i wrap myself in a web of words. before i got bi-lateral carpal tunnel i had all but ceased communicating by tongue and used only finger tips and pen ink. computer keys and printers. clicking out my thoughts and words. seems i've come to this place again, or very close to it.

so as the year winds down, i hope to spend less and less time writing. and more and more time living. but that doesn't really make sense. because writing is living. writing my life, your life, our lives together is what i do. i am told by many these jots and tiddles matter and not to forsake them. though i've grown afraid of them recently. they say what they will sometimes and not what i intend. they come out of context and are used against me. they hurt me. they hurt you. and that is never a good thing. what's the answer then? probably the same answer i have to all the questions i ask. i don't know.

i will begin a deprivation here soon. no reading, writing, tv, radio, phone. a true black out of stimuli. but i need to plan it well as i've many an occasion coming up where i need my words at the ready.

the deprivation for me is a life altering ordeal really. i find places lost because i sit silent and listen. not compelled to say anything. read anything. write anything. it is a great freedom. though also a torment. the greatest blessing is often a curse. and so the fearsome silence will come and sweep over me.

my cocoon of words i'll forsake again before the turning of the year. before tallying my receipts and finding how in the red i really am. or if, this year for once, i'll break even.

i'm declaring next year a year of abundance. but not the monetary kind necessarily. but the soul abundance. the kind that touches men and they receive their sight. my shadow crosses a lame person and they walk. do i have faith for this? i don't know. but i shall never know if i don't try. or believe. or just head in a particular direction. right? i'll never reach a destination not sought.

i needed words tonight. to weave myself a warm cocoon of words to hold me in my vulnerable sleep. to wind themselves into a poem that will sing me awake in the morning. i need words tonight. and am ever grateful to find them here, at my fingertips.