holeydays

i said once, these should be called holy-days because they are. not just holidays. but now, i'm calling them holeydays because they are missing a great many souls whom i love. holes abound. holes in my present place, those whom i love and are far. holes in my heart, those whom i love who have died. holes in my memory, those treasures of holidays past, i spent so many years in an environment lush with love. and did not know it.

here i have that same measure perhaps, but not tangibly. since moving from my family some eleven years ago, i've spent most holidays (only three i can remember not) alone with my beloved and our singleton.

last year i opted to spend turkey day alone. perhaps had i known it was to be my last turkey day among that body of believers, i might have changed my mind. likely not. i spent it in my garden. writing. reading. reveling in silence.

we are the choices we have made.

and i would not choose otherwise.

how to handle the holidays alone then becomes the question:

a couple years ago, has it been that long? i started writing thank you notes to the people who have truely been friends to me through the previous year. that is a nice way to commemorate something meaningful. since i started this tradition when we were woefully unemployed, it was always done by email. because i could do it for free.

when the grief and loneliness were acute, the first years of marriage, i started a big project on the holiday weekend. i made a quilt one year for my husband. the next year, my grams died. i made two quilts that year (one for me and one for my sister out of gramsy's old house dresses).

i sewed teddy bears during my grieving process on the late nights when i couldn't sleep and gave them to a class of preschoolers i taught at church one year. making grief into joy. always a wonderful thing.

making tamales was a tradition in our family. 40 lbs. of tamales made on christmas eve. i can manage 10 lbs on my own. but i like to have the house empty for the process as it involves much grieving on my part. i haven't made them in a few years.

but maybe the time has come again, though i'm living in the north and will have to search for the ingredients which were so easily found in texas. provided i choose to make them. not sure about that. but you see where i'm going. doing an all consuming project on those days helps me get through them.

usually the people who help me through my issues, my sister and best friends, are all busy with their families. so, i must lick my own wounds. busy my own hands. it is better for me to do something productive than lament.

though last year i did write a lament. ha! i'm such a downer on the holidays. but now, perhaps you understand why.

and if you find yourself alone on these fair days, try to find something constructive. even if it involves just a moment of kindness to another, even a pet. i did spend my last thanksgiving with someone, i just realized, my dog oreo, who we had to give up when we moved.

you see, you never can tell how things will work out. but they always do.

peace.

may you have wholeydays ahead.