come as you are

sometimes poems come to me and i think they are one thing when they surprise me and become something entirely other. this has happened to me a lot lately, and for that, i'm grateful. means i'm not controlling the flow, i'm just going with it. hard to do. i tend to want to write something beautiful, something grand, but all i can do is write what comes to me. be it darkness or light.

be true to the poems.

i have always said. and so i try. endeavor to that end, though often i grow weary, stiving for something.

i was told recently that i'm reaching for something.

i'm not surprised, i'm always grasping at one thing or another. but it was not a slap on the wrist rebuke, it came with a gentle kindness.

it's to be expected.

and so i fell silent. it's not a who i want, but a what.

i want to move forward, to attain some goals. this happens one step at a time. it sounds so easy, but it's incredibly difficult.

i got accepted to finish my bachelor's work, and mailed off my part of the dealio today. a big deal for me. a twelve year dream come to fruition. or begun, anyway.

will i step into it and move forward, or fall headlong off the path again. returning to it God knows when.

i don't know. all i can do is be true to this moment. live, this moment. be faithful to this moment.

i hope and pray this is my time to get this done. it's been a long road. one i will not be turned off of easily. but life happens. life always has a way of biting you in the ass at the most unexpected times. i trust, what is mine will come to me. and the rest will settle itself.

no longer grasping and reaching, but waiting with open hands. not the idle waiting of forced delay, but the willful resignation of activity. for the solitude, the willful meditation on the moment. a peaceful now. an accepting now.

i still don't understand any of it. if i sound enlightened, well, that is not how it "feels." it still feels like shit a lot of the time, and i'm still struggling many more moments than not.

but i trust.

it is all i've ever known how to do.


[and the nirvana lyrics to the title song, for you cats who aren't down with cobain follow]:

Come as you are, as you were,
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend,
As an old enemy

Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours, don't be late
Take a rest as a friend
as an old

Memoria, memoria
Memoria, memoria

Come dowsed in mud, soaked in bleach
As I want you to be
As a trend, as a friend,
as an old

Memoria, memoria
Memoria, memoria

And I swear that I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun

Memoria, memoria
Memoria, memoria
(No I don't have a gun)

And I swear that I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun

Memoria, memoria