Thursday, June 28, 2007

satchels and sayonaras

i'm clutching, have been clutching this damn raggedy satchel of dreams around and i'm tired of it. so, today i decided to walk out on the precipice and open it up. let them all fly to the breeze. that which comes to me is mine. the rest, well, good riddance.

i've realized i'm outwardly motivated. my great challenge is to make those external prompts come inside. i became aware of this back in texas dealing with the whole unemployment fiasco. i couldn't stop my mind from spinning out of control, save by some external prompt that would come to me. it started with sparrows.

now, i walked up the lawn to my nj best friend's house, and a brave little sparrow just held his ground in the grass like he owned the whole world. i was pleased to see him there. i gave him no great berth. but he stayed. regardless.

all i've ever wanted is animals and kids to like me. so far, i'm doing well.

there was this one boy causing his mother no end of grief at my store. i walked up and said,
can i help?

she said,
yes, do you want him?

i said.
i've always wanted more children.

he looked shocked.

how old are you?


that wouldn't be good for you, because i have a 10 year old girl.

he didn't look pleased.

but i told him,
i would take you home in a second.

his mother grinning all the while as she shopped for a few moments in peace.

i left them because i wasn't trying to creep the kid out, but he seemed much more pleasant when i left.

kids are a mixed bag. animals too, i guess.

my little bunny scratches me all over, but he's so cute. i can't stay upset about it. he's scarred me, but he's just a bunny. it's not his fault.

i hold him in my arms every day and i can feel his little heart ramp up, then slow down. at one point he just launches out of my arms and goes flying through the air,


and i laugh and chase him down because i think he's in heat.

i can't let him get away, though he would like me to let him get away. it's a dangerous world for a ferrel rabbit.

anyway, time to move on. time to cut loose a bunch of things that are holding me back and be about the business of living. enough of this sadness shit. i'm ready for laughter. and presence.

whatever that means.

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