YES!
a moment of delight in the midst of darkness. i guess sometimes even the moon peeks through the clouds.
so i popped out of bed, early. went out and did tai chi, first time in five days. i've been letting myself "rest" as it were. not a good choice for me spiritually. i need to be outside, and while i would go out to take out bunny, i was just too tired to stay, sometimes diving back in bed after putting him out.
the good news for bunny is, he's grown to a size that he can't escape the harness. so he can be outside on a tether (i'm embarrassed to say what) and sit under a bush all day long. he seems to like this as evidenced by his refusal to move. the whole day, same bush. he's dug out a nice smooth lying spot. on really hot days, he just hunkers down and waits it out. like any good bunny.
i came home after a poetry read last monday, it was late, dark. i went and followed the tether and there was an empty harness on the end.
i had forgotten to bring him in. but my daughter is in the habit of bringing him in.
so when i was unlocking the door, i was mourning my lost bunny. so sad i was. beating myself up for being a lowsy bunny owner.
then, to my delight, i flick on the kitchen light and he lifts his big grey head and throws back those ears so he can see, and greets me with a twitching nose.
i took him in my arms and held him for a bit. apologizing for my many shortcomings. bunny is very forgiving. his twitchy pink nose is nice to kiss.
he half closes his eyes when i hold him, inverted, like a baby, dangerous scratchy claws pointed up toward my face (not the best idea) but i know when he's going to pop like a spring. his whole body shudders first.
i place my hand on his little furry chest and scratch under his chin. i can feel his heart racing. i hold him until he calms down and rests in my arms. swaying back and forth with him.
last night one tear slipped out of his eye. i wiped it away and kissed him.
that will have me stewing for days, that one tear.
but i didn't cry last night. first time in a long while. maybe bunny cried for me.
school starts in just a few moments, and i'm ready for it. i realize, i have the kind of mind that needs myriad diversions. but my point is not to ignore my pain, or make light of it (or make worse of it than it actually is), but to be honest.
i'm looking forward to the challenge school will provide, the necessary diversion. just as work has become a beacon of functionality to me.
somehow, i am whole there.
my heart still aches, but i have things to do. responsibility.
oddly enough, a lifesucking job has been my liferaft of late.
to meet my professors i go.
peace.
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