i am with you

the nights are the hardest,

i told her.

why?

she asked.

because i'm all alone.

you are surrounded by so many who love you.

i am?

yes. do you not see it?

no.

i am with you.

then let that be enough for me, tonight.

it comes on me this quivering quavering timidity. this hold me, i'm lost in the woods and it's dark feeling. and i can't get out from under it. sometimes it suffocates me and i can hardly brave the next moments, the next heartbeats, so alone i feel. so alone.

but then, on my bleak horizon, dawn breaks. and i am reminded of the new day. to just put one foot out, one more time. and it will be well.

tonight she rescued me again when i was foundering on rocks, jagged and tearing rocks that threatened to down my seaweary vessel.

she brought her light, and shined on me, just a glimmer.

in the vast darkness, the oppressive darkness, just a match will do.

she tethered me to her, and brought me safely in.

tonight i rest, knowing, she understands.

asking again the same questions i always ask, do i have the power to change my life? or am i merely a player? how will this turn out? does anyone know? can i rewrite the tragedies of my life and make them something lifegiving, or am i destined to wander in search of the crust of bread i have long been denied? is my bread stale beyond hope, though even a stale crust is a feast for the famished. or is my bread freshly baked, melt in your mouth fresh. the kind of bread that satisfies thirst as well as hunger.

i do not know. i no longer know. i've attained a whole new place of unknowing. something of a routine has caught me up in its swell and i seem to be going on a strength not my own.

i'm never quite sure how i manage a day. let alone a week or month.

the dreams still come to me. i still have hopes for the future, tarnished though they may be. i still have great ideals and wonder if they will ever come to fruition.

am i powerless to change my own life?

this question haunts me.

i asked her this tonight, she said

it is probably the only thing you can change.

which is comfort enough, for tonight.