i don't really know.

what would make you happy?

he asked.

a chair.

i said.

i would send you a chair right now if that would make you happy.

no. i don't really know.

the question sticks in my mind now, as i am in from work, and while one fresh in from a full day of work is not usually jumping for joy, i feel a heaviness i did not feel at work. (which is why i work.)

it was a good day. my first time sort of managing, but i was not alone. my favorite manager was in the stock room banging out the boxes. so i was flapping my wings mightily, but mother bird was looking over my shoulder (from a comfortable distance) all the while.

the customers, without exception were very kind and patient today. and it was very slow, but we still got very close to making our sales goals. (which is all good!) because when the line is half way through the store, the fitting rooms are all backed up and someone is learning how to be managerial, it's such a pressure cooker. i was grateful, so, so grateful for all the kind patient souls today.

the day flew by, which is nice. but i'm working five days (six, if you count today) this week and i've been known to be a bit crabby after three days. i hope it goes well.

i'm trying to remember to take care of me in all this rush and hurry. so much looking after the little one, making sure the husband has what he needs that mom gets lost in the shuffle. this is always the case for moms. but i aim to keep track of what is going on with me, too.

steven covey's seven habits of highly effective people has a calendar design that he recommends, not just considering appointments, but all the hats you wear, and maintaining your person (sharpening the saw). reminders all, of priorities that must be, need be, upheld.

so i'm getting organized with my life about to kick into over drive. i sat musing over my visual file (aka, artist's collage), which i was going to leave in texas thinking i didn't need it anymore, but my best friend folded it up and shoved it in the moving truck, she wouldn't let me leave it behind. and i'm so grateful. for all the people who take care of me and i don't even realize it, i'm grateful.

there is this line on my collage that reads:

he became the baseline everyone else is the deviation.

and there is so much on there about dreams, goals, happiness, becoming.

if we could force something to be, i will be happy. i will rejoice. i will be whole.

i'm not sure how, or when, or where, but this too must come to pass. it simply must.

i will not live unhappily ever after. i refuse.

peace.