never forgotten

i thought i was the only one who held memories dear, who loved people i'd lost, who had slipped through my fingers. and here you are. here you are. loving me.

it's hard to describe, what this feels like. it feels good.
good is hard to quantify. hard to get down in words, because it's so elusive. so transient. that's why i never trust it. it goes away too fast. whereas pain, with all the deadening, all the dulling i've done to get past the pain in my life, it was still there. throbbing in my brain like some bad tooth with gnarled roots.

but joy. happiness. sweetness.

how do you describe this?

i'm giggling again. my god. like a schoolgirl. it's crazy.

i'm laughing with the kids at work. they are wondering what has come over me.

and everything is okay.

the soundman came in today,

sorry i haven't called.

no worries. things happen when they should. you can't rush them or they go bad.

exactly, i was trying to tell someone that today.

this is how our conversations go. we are on the same wavelength. oddly enough.

poor guy, just like me.

so, i wait. not patiently, i never wait patiently. but i occupy my time with what is required of me. by necessity. by demands made upon myself to keep myself moving forward. i'm as sad and fucked up as the next guy, but i refuse to stall out.

i think, when i finally woke up, when i finally swallowed that blue pill (or was it red?), i was amazed at what awaited. though yesterday in my haze of exhaustion, rounded out by a migraine at ten pm. i just had to muddle through.

i'm not always giggling, that's for damn sure. i'm lost. completely fucking lost. sometimes, though, i get it right. sometimes, though, i remember there are people who love me, and whom i love. even if i haven't seen hide nor hair of those people for twenty seven years. they have not forgotten me, as i have not forgotten them. and to be remembered, to be sweetly sought after all this time. to be embraced in words. there is nothing like it.

no thing.

and i am, once again, grateful.

because i believe in love. the transformative power of it.

and sometimes, every now and then, i get to revel in it just a bit.