salmon swim upstream

so, i should have realized it was a dead end conversation the moment it started. i probably should have tried to change the course it was running. but i'm not inclined to force my friends to say only what i want to hear or in ways i want to hear it. because i simply don't like that done to me. amen.

anyway, i sat there, getting lectured and pissed off. it carried me through most of the day, that frustration, but then i realized, there is nothing can be done. why argue. why be angry.

i don't know. i'm tired, that's all i can say.

ten hour day at work, fitting in time with the kiddo in the gaps, and friends crunched in anywhere they'll fit on top of that. i was not made for this much social behavior. it's just not me. i can't keep up.

i don't remember when i was last alone, and when i came home from residency (aside from my dark muse, all i wanted was to be alone). i got the alone that day. but that was the end of it. and i'm tired. i don't remember what i'm supposed to be doing or why. and what does it matter, really.

i was lectured about my parenting, by one i trust not to lecture. and if you know anything about people parenting, you don't say shit. amen. but i've always listened to friends because my friends are not your run of the mill hey how you doin' types. my friendships are deep. strong bonds.

it all sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me now. and i'm fried. too fried to make heads or tails of what is going through my mind.

all i can say is, i'm tired. and there is no remedy for what's ailing me at the moment.