Tuesday, February 01, 2011

snow, snow, go away...

for some i wish this, my sweet has to dig herself out of the white stuff, while i don't really have to struggle with it. where i live they plow pretty regularly and things stay quite in hand. though, having a tractor and using a shovel are two completely different approaches. and, we haven't been hit like boston has. i sometimes wish i were there to lend a hand.

boston. it's still on my mind, but not on my agenda for a season. which will be well, i'm sure of it. i would like to know what will happen, but for now, i'm just trying to be present and enjoy the unfolding.

i have to read my packet, got it back from my prof. i've only read her letter and one poem where we discussed one comma and i decided to rid myself of the question mark entirely. this is the labor of my semester at the moment, deciding my punctuation. it might seem easy to either remove it all or use it, but it's a tough consideration because where i used line breaks to convey some movement, i'm changing that so it all really needs to be reconsidered.

what i will end up with is a unified stylized manuscript at the end of this and that excites me. i seem to keep having the van gogh discussion. ultimately i now say, van gogh must be van gogh. and deshchidn must be deshchidn. there is no getting around it, i must remain faithful to the vision, the voice. even if, especially if no one gets it.

i've been reading silko and find her a comfort and a kindred. someone who feels like my grandmother speaking to me, explaining the things i feel deep inside but cannot yet articulate.

and i've been very tired. physically exhausted. i'm sure because i'm just getting back into the game. but i gave up my day off today and i felt every minute of it through my entire body. ache, ache, ache. only now, i get a chair and sit down because i can't force myself to stand on a foot that had changed so dramatically.

so, i hope to regain my strength and stamina. and remember, or discover what it means to have fun.

my resolution this year is to have fun, and i've realized, i don't even know what that means. i've changed so much, what does it mean to have fun now? in this skin. at this time of my life? not entirely sure.

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