ok dork

so. as sometimes happens, go to open my paper for a final read before i turn it in. i always, always, always reread the submission guidelines to be sure i did the assignment. an early faux pas in this regard when working on my aa mentally scarred me, so i double, triple, and quadruple check.

have i mentioned i have ten thousand balls in the air. there are endless details every single day. and this paper has been shoved to the back of my mind for weeks now.

i knew when i wrote it that i was doing something i wanted. but something i want, as pertains to the assignment, and something i want, being just my own road without permission, so to speak, are entirely different things.

since this is the one professor who gave me my only 90 percent this entire semester of three classes, i'm not willing to risk going down my own road. so, at 9am, i sat down and wrote an entirely new paper, this time, within the specified roads to choose from.

mind you, i'm not looking for more work to do. i wanted nothing more than to hit, turn in paper at 9am. but when i reread the instructions for the umpteenth time, they were not what i had thought they were before. firstly, my paper focused on aspects of three creatives. it required one. there were some other variations, but none of them gave the menage a troi option. so i reconfigured my thinking accordingly.

fortunately, i can write for days and it doesn't do much harm. the first step was to find the book i wanted, and an article to contrast (it was a comparison sort of paper he requested). fair enough. i found that. check. then, i flipped through and figured out which article to focus on. interestingly, this was something that has honed my thinking all along in this class, it came from the first book we read, a tome of words and ideas enough to make you want to drown yourself, or as i'm fond of saying, back the car over my head. check.

i laid out the paper, and filled in the associative blanks. paper done. it is over length by one page, but i figure, the article's theory was rather extensive, and that gives me a little leeway. this is my gamble. at least, if i'm going over it is on topic, rather than going over off topic, thank you very much go directly to jail and do not pass go.

i read my paper aloud and my audience was doubled back in their chair wallowing in freakish misery. but, i knew the paper would do. if it was that boring, it has to be good. or something like that. at least it's on topic.

of course i didn't hit submit yet. i have until 11pm to tweak it. maybe i'll find some way to lose an entire page. maybe not. i am thinking, i have done the best i can and it will suffice. if i hadn't felt that way yesterday, it would be a more comforting thought. but a few hours respite, a final editorial pass through and she'll be off.

to garner a hundred percent, i hope.

there's something swimming over there!

and there it was, an otter, diving and munching away contentedly when it rose to the surface just long enough to stuff more greens in its mouth.

we were floating amongst lily pads and trying not to be creeped out by all the bubbles rising to the surface from unknown origins.

that is the cost of setting out to float on a lake, i guess, but it was so worth it.

the two swans basked in the shelter of a small wooded island not far from where we floated.

today, the hum of the washing machine is counterpointed by the squawk of the parakeets who find stimuli exciting, and was enough to get me sqwuaking at them to

be quiet!

i am compiling quotes for a paper and writing it today, punctuated by laundry, and children, domestic bliss, basically.

it is all good, so very good.

it's that time again

a paper coming due. i have to write it tomorrow. the thing about my writing process is this, i cannot worry about tomorrow. and no, i didn't steal that quote. today, i have to run an errand, but i have been, throughout the course of the week, ingesting. this errand involves driving, and that driving is a mental break from the studies. i have it all in there, the bits and pieces. now i have to weave them together to say something meaningful.

we are in the home stretch for school, so simultaneously i have two other projects due in my other two classes, and a second paper in the class i'm focused on this week. all told, i have to write three papers (one is doing double duty), and for that, i'm grateful.

the process of research and theory, methods and design are all swimming around in my noodle. and if i can keep from getting intimidated, i will be fine. i have only three more weeks of school left, and i begin teaching in about two weeks. time flies.

i am glad my breaks are staggered, so i'm starting one, finishing another, finishing the first, starting a second. it's quite nice how things have worked out, because the hard focused work demands my attention, whereas the beginnings and ends of courses i teach tend to give me a little breathing room. though all these things complement each other and do not draw on the same brain resources. i use the material jointly, but it is nice to switch gears come midday when i enter the classroom or take up my computer and begin writing a paper.

that i am also a student makes me painfully aware of how difficult the writing process can be, sometimes generating an idea is the most difficult part. but if students listen to me, and do what i ask, when i ask it, then i can help them be successful. it is the student that has a different, hear better, way they do not benefit from what i offer. i have honed my methods over years of schooling, i am honing my teaching over years as well. i am grateful for all the students that come to me, whether they be for my editing, in class, or privately, i am grateful that i get to share what i have learned as an artist with other dear souls.

i must away to tend to my life for a bit. hopefully finishing up a chapter, then off to run my errand.

it is all good. come friday, i will have a paper to turn in.

i have snacks

the older woman said, clutching her plastic grocery bag and purse in hand. she wandered over to the not meager seating area, and i wondered if she would park beside me and jaw. mercifully, she did not. but the damage had been done.

my mind previously occupied with studying turned to snacks. what did she have in the bag. not curious enough to peek, i just kept plugging on through my reading, going over the shelves in my kitchen mentally. i had this snack, and that snack, and a favorite tucked away that i could have brought with me. however, i opted for the non-insulin impacting agave sweetened ice coffee to get me through my morning wheel alignment appointment with the guy from zztop.

what a cruel mistress indeed, to speak so openly about snackage.

after nibbling away like a contented mouse in the corner chair, she wandered through the lobby into the bathroom. a not untidy bathroom for a mechanics shop. it was not small and greasy either, it was adequately stocked of paper and soap, these are the luxuries of life at times like these. the obliging lock on the door was carefully installed, so one must needs use it, or it wouldn't be there. i had hoped others who had to wrestle with the lock had also taken advantage of the ample supply of soap and papertowels.

but my mind wandered with the woman through the door which she did not latch, and let the precious ac leak out. the owner walked up behind her and quietly shut the door. i turned to see another door, corner pocket, which was also ajar, not from the mousey brown mistress, but just from who knows when. and i wondered how much ac was filtering out there. such things matter when it's nearly july and one finds ac in an auto shop.

enter stage left, the mousey woman reappears without clicking the door shut, this time, it goes unnoticed, and now there are two doors leaking precious air conditioning. not to mention my focus leaked by this woman's brazen mentioning of snacks.

now i never did see what was in her bag, she quietly tucked the morsels away. and back at home now, bowls of fruit runneth over, and not a snack to be found that interests me (beyond the slice of malibu rum cake i finished off, as a courtesy so others would not be tempted. i'm good that way).

i have a paper due sunday, and i wonder if i will dream about those snacks.

aboundance

of course i always like to break apart words and play with them. today's word, abundance, has a dance in it, always a good sign. i thought abounding would be better than abunding, so there you have it.

a new mechanic has entered my life. when i first saw him, i thought, zztop. the dude has a chest length beard, but he is honest. that is all that matters. his crew of greasy wrenchers came and went like clockwork. he spoke with the same kind, considerate voice to everyone who came in the store in the span of the three hours i was there. this impressed me. i like consistency.

i will go see him again tomorrow, tuck myself between the image of the micheline man and the grimy chairs, breathing in the rubber fumes and sitting in the cool of the ac. though, i will be there early and might take in the breeze beside the ashtray outside, which also functions as a potpourri of sorts. i had not realized how pungent the aging cigarette butt could be. but today, i did not mind it.

farmers came in with their overalls and jeans, i got the image of someone back in the day who labored long in the fields and was so fit, they had to swing their pants off these over the shoulder placeholders, not like the farmers i saw today. one was fit, but the other quite rotund. perhaps it's the air conditioned hay thingy, i don't know what those are called. who knows. but working a farm ain't no joke.

i did get to see and feed some horses on saturday, my lovely daughter was also thusly blessed.

life is truly abundant.

hawt

it was so hot today, i powered my ac from the garage into a perch in the kitchen window. there are still stacks of boxes, but i'm making progress. today was mudroom and kitchen. floors included. i had forgotten how nice it is to walk on a freshly mopped floor.

the transition to my new home has been seamless. i am still grateful for the help i've received in this move. i am also grateful for a peaceful place to rest my head and tuck my children in at night. it is all good. all of it. even the not good parts.

if i can will myself to remember how great a gift this life is, if i can remember that i have a voice which makes a unique sound, then i am not so hesitant to speak up. the dear souls in my masters courses are speaking suzannese, which includes overly honest assessments of productivity, or not, and the general nature of who they are. i am grateful to contribute this to my fellows. i do not need to be thought of any particular way, i am just grateful to be a part of all the groups and kinships in which i currently find myself.

still haven't found a yoga class, or a sophie. but all in good time. when the student is ready, the master appears.

glistening kernels

i will not describe that image further, suffice it to say, when life gives you crap, find something good in it. i have been repeating this mantra to myself all day. it's not so much that anything has gone horribly wrong, no one lost limbs or died. i just have a million details in my head and can't seem to remember every single one of them. try as i might. this creates problems. or are they ways the universe is saying,

wake up!

i'm tired. my feet have never throbbed so much for so long, except when i started working behind the coffee counter. thankfully, mercifully, those days are long gone.

it is now about being in the moment and refusing, outright refusing, to let go of it. even when it's difficult, painful and uncomfortable. funny thing is, i look back on yesterday's optimism, and i wonder, is this a test. is this the universe saying,

are you really gonna choose joy and abundance, in spite of your circumstance. if so, here's your opportunity.

the universe is benevolent with growth opportunities, let's just say that.

and today, even as tears slipped out the corners of my eyes, i held fast to the yes of the moment. i refuse to let myself go down to grief because i've gotten lost on some mental backroad which i thought had been at last abandoned.

as much as i want to will myself to wonder, i have to remember, i can only remain open and trust. and without reservation, without hesitation, the kindest people are rising up to meet me along my journey, as if to say,

here, a lifeline. use it.

i am just tired. it is not the end of the world. but i do believe, joy is a choice i must make daily, even when the details of life seemingly interfere. there is always, always, always, some blessing just around the bend if i don't give up.

wonder full now here

that is how i read the title of my last post. it occurred to me after i posted it.

life truly is what you make of it. and i aim to make my life abundant. joyous. carefree. happy.

i never quite understood that we make up the story we sell ourselves. as i stood in the dmv, not a favorite place, for reasons so buried in my psyche i no longer know why. as i stood there yesterday, i began telling myself a new story.

it is all going to be okay.

mind you, not to fool myself into believing some lie, but to embrace the truth. a truth i firmly believe. it is going to be all right. it must. there is no other way for it to work itself out.

at least i finally understand, that i hold the pen that scores the paper, that creates the music, that the musicians play. i am the composer of my own reality, and as such, i want it to be magnificent.

and so it is.

wonderful nowhere

this looks like a deserted town, i love it!

my mornings involve winding down country roads and seeing deer and bear, foxes, and assorted other creatures darting in and out of the woods.

my last cat, greggy, looks like a safari cat, as he crouches in the tall grasses. he has survived five nights in his new environ, and it looks to be a successful transition. as our lives fall into some sort of rhythm here, i am grateful.

i have much schoolwork today, this is my morning mind dump. i want the best for everyone. i sometimes don't know what that means or how that works out, but today, just for today, i will rest in the peace of simply being.

take a moment

today i looked up from my journal articles and just said,

oh my brain!

how many consecutive hours can one study. throw into the mix all the details of managing a life in flux and you've got a lot of minutia. i am trying not to get bogged down in it all, and trusting it will be well, but at some point, and my point was about 10:30 this morning, I had to stop, step away from the reading, and take moment. that was an hour before i delved into a three hour intensive i'm teaching. at least the intensive requires other parts of my brain and attention than what the studying does.

it is easy to get overwhelmed when there are so many things happening at once. i am choosing to take care of myself the best i can and trust that it will all work out. if i can move a three bedroom home and family from the southwest to new england in ten days, then i got this. i have to remember, i have resources i have not yet tapped.

so, when my presentation is due next week, it will be ready. when my paper is due this weekend, it will be ready. when my two additional posts are due thursday, i will have something to write. it is all coming together. it is all good. and i'm nearly done with the semester. just five more weeks to go.

what a relief.