need

being in need sucks. needing to be published. needing to be read. needing friends to keep me emotionally sound. need. i have so many of them. more than i can name or count. more than i can even acknowledge. i thought the days of need were long gone. the way of diapers and bottles. ages ago. but i find myself still scanning the horizon for a friendly smile. checking email for a friendly word.

got in a fender bender today. i just couldn't avoid it. seems i need to call the insurance guy now. being in need sucks. but i said that all ready.

i would like to abandon my needs like so many broken down cars on the side of the road, hauled off to those scrap yards where bolts are half pressed into the ground. scavengers pouring over metallic carcassas to give life to something from something irredeemable.

i guess that is it, i've just felt like a wreck for a while now. but at the same time, there is this acceptance of the need. of the wretchedness of who i am. of who i am not. i'm still not patient, i'm occassionally kind. somedays i curse like a sailor and am not pleasant to be around (what a surprise).

but that is just part of the package. we can't all be perfect. in fact none of us are. we're just messed up folks who hope our clothes match (and for me, sometimes not even that), and that we can get through yet another round of church socials with a plastered on smile.

the thing is, church hasn't been it for me for a very long time. but i need the church. i need fellowship. i fear the intimacy of it though sometimes. people are messy. they need, and i'm too wrapped up in my need to be needed. but i need to change that. so i go to church and find i need a shoulder to cry on. a friendly hug, and a listening ear.

we went to a funeral recently and i was perfectly unhelpful. i sat on the front porch reading the cloud of unknowing. when i apologized for how little i actually helped meet the needs of our dear family we were visiting, the response i got was, you helped us with our hearts.

i could have wept. that may be all i'm good for some days. if you've got heart trouble, i'm your gal. i've got heart trouble too. i need you like you need me. sometimes i guess it doesn't suck so bad, being in need.