Tuesday, January 10, 2006

on being loved.

what can i say that you haven't already heard. maybe already isn't a word? all ready is the proper usage, but we cut everything down, chop it up out of laziness. i'm that way too.

i have tons of stuff to do today, so i'll be brief. i'm looking for joy. finding joy. wanting to be a joy to others. sometimes all those things just don't coincide. sometimes they just bounce off each other like marbles.

what was a joy one moment can be a mess the next. then was it truly joy? i don't know the answer to that question. i just don't. j.mark's hughes spoke with me yesterday and i'll be posting it on ma tomorrow.

the strange thing is, the strange thing always is, i read the word for word rendering of my thoughts in henri nouwen last night. be present. love the people in your life. let them love you. the moment is where it's at.

we're a distracted people. we want to be apart from pain, discomfort, uncertainty. i've been cranking my radio station directly into my brain so i didn't have to think. it works a bit. it takes the edge off.

one line from a p.o.d. song "goodbye for now" rings truest, i found the whole song online, here are the lyrix:
I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel shine
through the dark times even when I lose my mind
But it feels like no one in the world is listening
and I can't ever seem to make the right decisions
I walk around in the same haze
I'm still caught in my same ways
I'm losing time in these strange days
but somehow I always know the right things to say

I don't know what time it is
or who is the one to blame for this
Do what I believe what I can't see
And how do you know which way the wind blows
Cause I can feel it all around
I'm lost between the sound
And just when I think I know, there she goes

Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now
So long
Goodbye for now (I'm no the type to say "I told you so")
Goodbye for now
So long (I think the hardest part of holdin on is lettin' it go)
When will we sing a new song
A new song

We’re still smilin' as the day goes by
and how come nobody ever knows the reasons why
Bury you deep so far you can't see
If you're like me who wears a broken heart on your sleeve
Pains is troubles that you know so well
Either time don't
It can't or you just won't tell
I'm not the type to say "I told you so"
I think the hardest part of holding on is lettin' it go

I don't know what time it is
or who is the one to blame for this
Do what I believe what I can't see
And how do you know which way the wind blows
Cause I can feel it all around
I'm lost between the sound
And just when I think I know there she goes

Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now
So long
Goodbye for now (I'm no the type to say "I told you so")
Goodbye for now
So long (I think the hardest part of holdin on is lettin it go)
When will we sing a new song
A new song
When will we sing a new song
A new song

And you can sing until there's no song left (song left)
And I can scream until the world goes deaf (goes deaf)
For every other word left unsaid
You should have took the time to read the sign and see what it meant
In some ways everybody feels alone
So if the burden is mine then I can carry my own
If joy really comes in the morning time
then I'm gonna sit back and wait until the next sunrise

Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now
So long
Goodbye for now (I'm no the type to say "I told you so")
Goodbye for now
So long (I think the hardest part of holdin on is lettin it go)
When will we sing a new song
A new song
When will we sing a new song
A new song
this speaks my heart, precisely.

last night i had to battle in silence. i kept calling on the Lord to move. to reveal whatever the purpose of these dilemmas are. people are and always have been my greatest treasure in life. perhaps too much. i value them more than money and life itself. to know one is loved and to be loved is the greatest gift we can give each other. but sometimes i just don't know how to love aright. or be loved aright. and those are the times joy eludes me.

the day marches on and i've got to catch up. but my heart is flesh and aches. perhaps i'll find joy today. i'll definately search for it.

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