peace

what i wouldn't give for a little peace. the deep abiding kind. the kind that centers and grounds. the kind that seems to elude me at times.

i've been trying to meditate, to deeply center myself in God. and the ruckus that goes on in my head is not unlike a train blowing by at a crossing. julian of norwich has a phrase that i've adapted to meet the keating/finley's five syllable requirement. julian's phrase is: the fiend has been overcome. my adaptation is, the fiend's overcome.

sometimes i'm the fiend. sometimes it is the enemy. sometimes the world. but always, there is a fiend in need of overcoming.

keating says that if you pray this phrase (or whatever phrase you choose), it will become a prayer that prays itself. i've been sporadic about praying it at best which may be why the phrase does little to settle me.

if i've learned anything, i've learned meditation is no different than the daily walk. that which looks least beneficial is often incomprehensibly valuable. so i press through meditation and try to try.

meditation has been called, divine therapy. and i am grateful for the divine Shrink. with the aid of many counsellors, i am finding the only thing i can do is keep drawing closer to the divine Shrink. and let Him change my heart. settle my mind.

the hymn just as i am (which even now my daughter is playing in the other room) has a line that talks about healing of the mind. i play that song often, all the verses, as my melodic prayer.

sometimes when we lose our way in prayer, as i have, it helps to just surrender my heart. to sit and weep, exercising julian's gift of tears.

i hadn't meant to sound sad today, it's not that i am sad. it's that i want to be a better wife and mom. i want to make my life a prayer and offering to God. but sometimes it just looks like the offering i bring is mostly rotten.

do i still bring it? drag myself, as it were, to the altar praying something is better than nothing? yes. i do. because this is me. in my grandeur and glory. if i wait to heal up before seeing the Physician, i have missed the greatest of Gospel messages. He did not come for the healthy, but for the sick.

and sometimes, i have to lay down my pride and admit, that i am one of them. and am much in need of the Great Physician.