defiant submission

this standing on the inside type of submission is not worth squat in my opinion. so i've been trying to deal with my anger and frustration about submitting my will.

it helped that i had a jam packed alternative schedule of being with my girl's troop helping a community organization with the gift tree gift sorting. that only took a while, but was a wonderful distraction. i needed it.

i called one of my best friends and told her the whole story and she said,

don't go. i know that does not help, but i can't help feel there is some reason why you should not go.

that is incredibly helpful.

i said,

because you listened to my side. heard my heart. know my whole story. that you still feel i do not need to go, or should not go for whatever reason is acceptable to me. i understand it. you're not just being authoritarian because you can.

you see, from my perspective, this ability to have any plan thwarted at any given moment is pretty frustrating. of course i don't look at it that way until a plan is thwarted.

but when this happens, i have to believe what i have always believed, husbands are given authority and are our covering for a reason. that we do not understand those reasons entirely is part of the deal.

if joseph stood there and questioned the angel when he was told to flee, i don't know how things would have turned out. he just got up and went. we are all under submission to something, the question is what?

so i was angry at my husband yesterday, spitting nails angry. and instead of feasting on bile by being home and brooding over my anger, i went out and did something utterly redemptive for someone else. my daughter was glad to have me along, and though i might now be sick again (oh joy), it kept me from walking out from under my covering. and that is all that matters.

i could not yield to my husband, but to his position. that had to suffice for me. i could not do more. once i did that, i struggled with my defiant submission. it is not good enough that i am standing on the inside. defiant submission is no submission at all. so i wrangled that one to the ground and finally pinned it. exhausted, we both gave up.

i'm not claiming any kind of triumph here. except maybe the kind that just moves forward. pick up your things and keep walking. i didn't knock down any barriers in our marriage, probably resurrected some old dead ones, in fact. there are still all manner of issues here, but at least i'm relatively reasonable today. i'm willing to find some peaceful way of dealing with my utter frustration and try to move forward.

i can't say i don't want to be there. i'd be lying. but i'm here. what am i going to do now? how am i going to treat my beloved today? that is all that matters now.