seed crystals

(wrote this and wouldn't you know, i got my seed crystals. if you know me, then you probably know. if not, i will tell all at some future point). peace.

listening to zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance again. that book rocks.

he mentioned seed crystals.

when, in the process of scientific experimentation one (or a chemical/substance) reaches a point of saturation, sometimes it takes a seed crystal to get things moving. this can be a stirring, a slight scratch on the beaker, another chemical. it is the thing which releases fecundity.

in discussing waiting and the seeming stagnation (or saturation level) one hits, it struck me. this is what is happening to me.

i've so many possibles. maybes. mightbes. out there that i've reached my saturation point and am in need of a seed crystal to get me past this point. what that is, i do not know. but when it comes crystal waves, he called them, will emanate out. the possibilities endless.

this is probably sounding weirder to you than it does me. i'm all right with that.

i've reached these saturation points many times. the moments before the poems will come. the pregnant waiting for the birth.

i remember being so weary of pregnancy (and so HUGE i looked like i would pop), i wanted to force myself into labor. this can be done. i obtained the means necessary. but my body sort of kicked in and i didn't have to do that myself. (long story)

the seed crystal then would be the mucus plug popping out. the gush of water flowing after. then baby.

my deprivation took place, unbeknownst to me at the time, during the last week of the church liturgical year. i thought it curious that a whim on my part would be so significant to the liturgy. the sermon that sunday of my deprivation was about looking back and examining the year past.

i slept a lot. more than twelve hours a night for seven days.

i was very tired. and let myself rest. let my mind relax.

i find one week into the rush and hurry again, i'm grappling with the same doubts and struggles of the week before the deprivation.

my deprivation was an incredibly calm and lucid time.

my sister told me,

you sound really good. not like last time.

(i cheated and called her. the phone is sort of a grey area for my deprivations).

last deprivation was in june. a lot going on then. a lot of pain to reckon with.

this time, i went with it. sure i cheated a bit, but not a great deal. and i didn't beat myself up for it.