harsh light of day

well kids, i did submit but it weren't pretty. i was angry and pouty and basically just a brat. then i got a migraine.

i didn't talk to my husband until some time sunday night i was so mad. juvenile is more the appropriate descriptive, but i couldn't let you think i was soooo mature, because i really wasn't. i tried. but i was infuriated.

i was the elder brother pissing and moaning about the shabby deal i got. my husband just avoided me, which is wise when i'm belligerent. my sister and best friend were the only ones who could talk me through such anger.

it has been a long while since i've been so angry about anything. not many things to get that angry about. but it raised all manner of issues and exposed many deficiencies in me, my marriage, my life.

one gory specimen table of my mind had all these hideous things on it, and i kept circling it, eyeballing them. examining them.

but then there was the small voice that was reason. i kept trying to reason with my angry self. kept trying to keep my mouth shut (which is the best i can do at times like these).

so i did not pass with flying colours. i did not pass with even a passing grade. yes, i submitted. yes, i stayed home. but i glutted it of any benefit by anger.

it reminded me how flight is an easy response for me. i like to leave. i like to go away from the things that trouble me. i like to delve deeply into a project and escape troubling reality.

i was grateful when a dear friend needed an editing job on sunday and wouldn't you know it was about couple relationships. how easy it is to enter the wounding of another without realizing it.

how easy it is to attribute so much evil to my husband when he is just doing his job. there is no way this man could provide everything i want. no reason for me to expect that. but i did hate sitting at home doing nothing (i should have found something to do rather than stew in my juices), than be about something productive.

but when i wash up on the shores of my failure, i come before the Lord and say,

You who see all, and know all. i have failed again. i have fallen again. have mercy on me.

i am reminded of just how much i need God. what a wretched soul i am with God, how much worse would i be without? i would be insufferable then. i scarcely tolerable now.

so do not be decieved by my brave words. i did not treat my husband well. i was juvenile. i pouted. i didn't speak to the man all weekend.

all i can do is try to do a little better next time.