what has really changed since this time last year? have i embraced joy, or merely made a show of it? does my life run on a precharted course, or am i able to set my will and change my stars?
a man came in and sat behind me at church today. i gave up my third row pew because a priest (my sister's favorite), has a tendency to occupy it before i stroll in. so i shifted to the other side of the church as it felt like we were all stacked up on one side of the small chapel and soon it would start to list then take on water and we can't have that (yes, i really live my life this way).
so i now occupy the front row of the right side of the church. when i sat there one sunday i realized the cushion is folded over and the front row holds the various books we fumble with for the liturgy.
behind me sits a man who sporadically attends. he reeks of nicotine. it is an overwhelming presence when he takes his seat.
today when he came in i had to check my thoughts about who is and is not in the rows around me. i had to press on past judgment and bow before God whom i probably shame with my petty thoughts.
at the exchange of peace (when everyone walks around and says,
peace of the Lord be with you,shaking hands and greeting one another), nicotine man came into my pew and wanted to bear hug me.
i would not let him. i held my arm out and blocked him from moving in. then pushed him out of the aisle as i went to shake the hand of another.
i hugged penny, my living model of joy, close to and nicotine man looked on from the row behind. i felt terrible. there are only two other men at church who hug me, penny's husband and the priest. oh, and red, a WWII vet.
why these souls are allowed to hold me, i don't really know. why i will melt into their embrace, i don't know. but sometimes, i can't explain it.
i want to be the face and hands of Christ, but not inappropriately. i will be trained as an acolyte soon, so my days in the pews will be sporadic. i'll be assisting the priest in his duties. which rocks!
i've always wanted a view from up there. now with our rockin' organist and a nearly full choir, i couldn't ask for more. except maybe for that great gap between me and the ideal to close, even just a bit.
2 comments:
If I may...
I would have backed away too, way away! Mark me as a sosch (I think I made that word up by such poor spelling!)but the strange cigarette soaked man wouldn't be groping me either, er, I mean, hugging me. I'm funny that way.
I had a guy at church that I allowed to get too close once. He wrapped me in a bear hug and actually planted a kiss on my cheek! I ripped myself out of his arms and then went and told on him! He hasn't gotten past arms length since I assure you!
And I'm a huggy kind of gal. I just like to hug who I am comfortable with. I think that if God wanted us to sugar up to everyone then He wouldn't have created us with our own private 'safety shields'. And that's my take on the matter.
I've experienced times in my walk that I grew spiritually in leaps and bounds, and sometimes I just have to be happy to crawl. God has a way of working on us even when we are the slowest turtle on the hill...
What comes to my mind is me trying to get up the hill behind some fat lady that is in my skin and I'm trying to get a good place on her rump to give her a good shove to get her tank bottom moving!
And you're trying to be serious. Please forgive my bad humor. I just couldn't help myself.
i'm not necessarily trying to be serious. it just comes out that way. like what i have to say is so heavy or something, when really, all it is, is just me looking at life and going, hey, check that out. more like a tourist than a real deep thinker.
ha!
peace to you audrey.
that was a good image. tank bottom, love it.
suz.
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