belief

i'm ready to keel over in my chair, i'm so tired from work. but this is always a good time to write because my brain is entirely disengaged and something might happen. a glimpse of the divine (or madness, one or the other).

i remember a time when i was told,

you can do it suz.

and by whom.

sometimes, people breathe life into me when i need it most. and i'm not feeling lost so much now as just worn thin, like a bit of butter scraped across too much bread. i've not yet begun pursuing my dreams, that is the thing.

how does one maintain the stamina for the uphill battle?

it's hard for me to even think about those battles now. it's daunting. so i'll just think about the goodness of today.

i've likened my part-time job to the third level of hell. and though the air conditioner is now fixed (it was rough the past couple months), it is still a long day and a crap shoot of customers.

some people are genuinely kind. agreeable. willing to wait. not demanding.

others, want it all and want it now.

i had this lady's husband knock something out of her hand today and she said to him,

you're making me drop things.

he said,

she'll pick it up.

without a glance my way.

i did pick it up, because i would have picked it up without the slam.

later when i was finding her some pants, he was standing beside me and i told her,

i'll just give them to your man.

which pleased me. he said nothing.

i asked her if she didn't want something of the great number of clothes she had in the fitting room and she swept her hand and said

these,

and steps back to let me in to retrieve them.

whatever. people are people. a mixed bag. sometimes a blessing. sometimes needing to be served. i'm willing to serve people or i wouldn't be in retail. i won't stay up thinking of this person, but i do hope with all my heart that somehow they learn to give credit to the people they deal with. give grace and not just orders or commands.

i'm not how i am percieved. i must remember this. though when i am percieved well, i sure fancy that i am that fabulous. but this is not true either. we're just a bunch of imperfect people trying to get through the day. if i can not aggrandize myself, i don't mind the slams of customers who have no one else to slam (or slam everyone equally). if i don't fancy myself all that, i can trust i will recieve kindness if i offer it, even if it is not immediately at hand.

an interesting little tidbit about this came to me when i struggled one weekend with a manager i work with. she was a TOTAL slacker. i am not. i did find myself doddling a bit when i worked with her, because it is one thing to be appreicated for your good work and another thing to be saddled up and ridden.

so, i was all by myself in the front of the store, our store is huge. one of the biggest sores of this chain around. i had tons of clothes to put back and no help. i couldn't leave the front so i kept sending them back with the slacker manager.

i had just finished reading the four agreements. do your best is one of those agreements. i was struggling all that weekend with doing my best and feeling like i was getting the shaft.

because of all those clothes i sent back, none of them got put away. i had to do it when i came in the next morning (though i was seeiing red and someone else put most of them away while i fumed).

long story short, that manager got fired. lots of reasons.

but i had come to the conclusion, my best has to be based on my best. nothing else.

so many times in tai chi, i tell myself,

life is not a competition.

we are not running a race here, we need to help each other out. because if i get some of that haughtiness about me if i think i'm too great.

so i try to remind myself, i may be good in this, not so good in that. we all excel in something. i can learn from others if i humble myself and take instruction. i can teach if they are willing to listen.

and it is all well. even if there is no one to believe in me just now. (or at least not the someone i want to be there), it is still well with my soul.