Thursday, July 05, 2007

campaign of recklessness

seems this is how i live my life. extremes. driving people away.

it might seem to lookers on that i have nothing better to do with my time than isolate myself. sometimes it feels that way. i just can't fight with those i love most. i can't defend myself from those in my inner circle. so if they cannot abide me, they or i must leave.

usually, it's me.

i'm a habitual leaver. perhaps it comes of being raised in a broken home. maybe because i had lucky charms for lunch. who knows.

i gave notice at my work. i'm prepared to push the kablooie button on my poetry groups because i'm just not going to defend myself from my inner circle.

i have been walking away from certain labels for a good while now. i have done the best i can to be honest. i cannot abandon my judgment because people who are not in my skin do not know where i'm coming from. it is not for them to decide.

i started my cyber poetry groups for want of poets in my life. i've never had more poets in my life than now. what is the purpose of keeping something that has become wounding? there doesn't seem to be any.

do i dismiss people so easily? absolutely not.

it is my hope and prayer that people will continue on in relationship. though the context may change.

if not, i will grieve them, but i'm always moving forward.

and fate lends a hand in that it provides me constantly with new diversions.

though i miss the old. i will rejoice in the new.

though i miss the familiar. i will find comfort in who i am now. no longer shackled to who i used to be. unfettered, and able to fly. too close to the flame, perhaps. but fly nonetheless.

i had this thought the other day while in my garden,

people must be allowed to self destruct.

even me.

and it was such a lucid, compassionate moment.

perhaps one of the only moments of late when i haven't felt on the verge of self-destruction. perhaps because i sat with it and said, yes, you are valid.

this blog will go the way of the buffalo after i honor a commitment i made. my poetry groups may follow. i'm going to be moving in the near future. and all these changes will offer up something new and wonderful, if only i can receive it.

yes i mourn the old. the past.
but i move forward enriched.

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