tired tonight

i've finally cleared a space of my own in our apartment. i've spent the past year plus, with nowhere to go close a door that is my own. and that is crazymaking. not good for anyone.

my daughter would have sleepovers and i'd be stuck in the middle of them, it felt like.

when we moved in here, i used to write from this little writing turret, until my hubby comandeered the space. now we've rearranged and i've rightfully claimed what i wanted in the first place. a room of all windows where i can see the trees sway in the breeze.

nothing is easier, nothing has really changed, yet everything has changed. everything is different. i'm grateful for every breath, yet i'm fighting for every breath still. i've begun saying,

i am having some good days now.

i had forgotten what a simple pleasure a good day is.

my coworkers have seen me trudging around for the better part of six months all longfaced about some rosaline, and now, i'm beginning to remember who i was. who i am.

but how i miss, how i miss my dear friend.

at open mics, a lot of times i just put my head down and cry or pass the torch so i can cry silently, because my pain is just too present.

but at tai chi, the focus is the moment. i try not to let anything distupt that. not even my pressing emotions, or the state of affairs in my life. it all goes away for the few moments i am in tai chi.

aside from my one friend here, that is the only thing that helps hold me together. but i don't want to have anything external keeping me afloat. so i purposed to do what i needed to do this week and set aside tai chi. first time in months. and i didn't freak out. i didn't lose it completely. which is progress.

how the small things matter.
the subtle changes.

and now the fledgies come alone.
their parents off doing whatever they please i imagine.