what courage is

i know longer know what courage is anymore. i'm not particularly sure i ever knew. but i imagine it has something to do with a tenacity. a willingness to stand when one wants only to collapse into a heap of weakness and fear.

the single mother, bone weary without even the hope of relief who faces one more day, soldiering on, the best she can for her children. this is courage.

the cancer patient, riddled through with radiation, whose fingers ache at the touch of coolness and whose parched mouth knows not how to be sated. this is courage.

the little child whose parents no longer speak, yet she rises and tries with every fibre of her being to fashion a way of peace in her warzone of a home, this is courage.

the little blue jay who stands looking up at towering humans, unknowing, unafraid. this is courage.

where has it all gone in my life? drained away like so much bathwater after a soak. and i am wet and tired. wanting only to rest. always to rest. not be strong.

the great battle of my life at this moment is to remain engaged. to feel the pain of being. to hold the shank of pain as one dear poet i love once wrote.

to not lose the sound of birds singing and leaves rustling in the breeze through the screams of agony.

to fight on, one more day. just one more moment, knowing, there must be some reason for this. there must be some answer hidden somewhere, perhaps the next moment will reveal it.

sometimes even kindness feels like pain, and leaves me wondering again, where does courage come from. to face the kindness of those i love. to face the dark reality of my life. to face this moment.

i no longer know what courage is or where it comes from, but i know it when i see it. i recognize it like a dearly loved face in a crowd.

though it is very far from me now, it will come again. i hope.