only this...

what would i say to you now if you could hear me. if the miles weren't permanent and we were across the table from each other, an arm's length away. though i imagine that distance would not remain long, and beside me, right up close, you'd be, in my space. looking into my eyes, and i, yours.

i wouldn't mind this. though i mind space encroachers in general. you are free to come as close or stay as far as need be.

our fingers interlocking, our breath mingling, we linger in unfinished phrases and breakout in laughter. it is too good to imagine. too good not to imagine. not to think about and remember.

now as i try to sort it all out, make sense of it, and find there is no sense to be made, i must either choose to trust or build giant walls (of which i am not willing or able to erect). i find trust my only option.

how many times i've come to this place with you. where i stepped out, feeling certain i would fall and yet, was caught upon currents that would carry me closer to you. but you're so far away now, this is hardly reality and i'm certain i'll spend my days alone, which i am making peace with now.

the idea of being alone is some comfort to me really. better to be alone than with those who don't want you around, i always say. so alone seems the better part of wisdom for me. though i'm told this is not the case, it feels so. it certainly feels so. and i cannot let anyone get as close to me now as you did.

that place is locked. the key gone. i do not seek it out.

if you were here with me now, and i could say only a few words, they would be these:

come my long awaited guest. you are most welcome here.

the rest i leave to the future.