the bar ninja

well, i've officially found a place to land. i'm grateful. it is truly a load off. i still have moments when i fear--when i'm gripped with, i can't do this. but the reality is, i can't not do this. things have become insufferable for everyone and it's time to change contexts.

there is a world of unknowns ahead, and i'm grateful for them, and i'm excited about them. i dig an adventure, and this is one i've wanted to take for quite some time.

i'll have to button up and get serious about what i want. i'll have to spend time figuring out exactly what it is i want and how to go about getting it.

i'll likely have to find a second job, i wish the editing gig would pan out. but wishing don't make it rain. or sun. or anything. it is just wishing. so i'll have to put my shingle up and try to dust off my resume, which i've not kept up to date.

fortunately, i meet writers all the time. poets even moreso. i do need to find some kind of editing gig. that is where it's at for me.

i woke up yesterday and the room was spinning. i spent the day that way because i get so focused on tasks, i don't take time to take care of myself. and, yesterday was an example of that. so i got to go in to work (which i have to do, because i need the money), and i was still slightly dizzy. it turns out i probably just needed to eat, which i finally did at 6pm. i don't know, i just don't have that high on my priority list. and my clothes are sagging off. my boss keeps saying,

you've lost so much weight!

and i smile and say,

i know.

it's not deliberate, but it's welcome. a perk of all this grief and stress. i've never had flat hips, and i wouldn't mind those really flat hips you need to cinch up a belt around to keep your pants up. but then, i'm not going there directly or specifically, it would be nice to end up there though.

but my boss said i was the bomb on the bar. first time he's given me props. always before now he's complained that i'm too slow. that i'm building drinks one by one instead of many at a time (four hot and two cold at one time, for example). i do all that shit when he's not there. usually when he's at the register scowling at me (or disapproving, feels the same to me), i get vibed out. but with my head as whirlygig going on, i couldn't worry about what was going on. so i was just doing my thing. making coffee, making drinks, working clean.

that he was impressed is huge. he's not been impressed until now with my bar skills. i can make a perfectly delicious beverage, he'd just never seen me do it as fast as he wants me to do it. he said,

you're a ninja on the bar now.

and smiled.

i was glad to have made it over that hurdle unwittingly.

then i had to construct these metal shelves for the backroom. okay, first, if you've read this for any stretch of time, you know mechanical things ain't my forte. i constructed the shelf lying down, thinking this is the best route, and when my boss saw it, he laughed and stood it up, it was wobbly and the shelves were some seussian configuration. he couldn't believe it. and i told him,

i'm not mechanical.

so he had to start the thing, get the base foundation together so i could build the rest (took me an hour!) from a stable base. it was crazy but a nice diversion, and how i need a diversion.

so, the shelves are finally up, we needed the space. and while work isn't perfect with massive restrictions, we have hope that it will improve. there are rumors it will improve. i don't know i'll be in the asst program, as i'm not sure what the state of the asst program will be in january, if there will even be one. but they can't just not have assts. i don't think. who knows.

i must away. much to do.