starting over

it's official, i told my kid. we cried together. we talked. we laughed, ultimately. because that's what we do. we laugh. i'll miss her. but i must go. being part of this fiction is no longer viable, so i must go. i know when ends have come, that is one thing i understand. and when it's time to go, i leave.

so be it.

i try not to think of the list scrolling through my head of all the things one needs in a new life. what does one really "need" anyway?

clothes and books, for sure. but aside from that, the rest is negotiable.

i'll take the dishes and silverware my grams gave me, and let the rest go.

i have my laptop, but no printer. i'll leave my desk, because it's too heavy to move by myself and i feel the need to be portable at the moment. besides, it's currently in use. no need to upset everything and be selfish.

no chair, no table, no bookshelf.

i have decided to start over. completely. everything that comes into my space will come by invitation only. not some dire need or groveling. but because it moves me. because i cannot live without it.

and until i cannot live without it, i will.

my space, rank of patchouli, will be just that, mine.

i tell my girl,

i will have my own bed. and room.

and she says,

yes.

that will be my first indulgence. a sleigh bed. a big comfy one. (or as big as i can fit in wherever i'll land). and until i can get the one i want, i'll make due. i've made due till now, why not wait for what i really want. it's not like i'm in any hurry.

i'm probably going to need a pot and pan, but that will come in time too. i'm not a big eater. so, those things will filter in as needed. poquito por poquito, as my grams would say.

i miss her. she would soothe me now. she would understand. she would cry with me and then we'd laugh. that's probably where i got it from. how i miss her.

and i remember when my mom and dad divorced and i tell my girl these stories. how we'd visit my mom, long after we were young, teenagers, and still invade her space. she had no boundaries with us, we would sit on a couch and lean into mom who would just be there, holding us. or we'd stack up all three on the floor, spoonlike, and watch movies together. we slept a lot at moms. and we'd veg.

i hope to help my girl meet some of the goals i want her to meet, rather than throwing my hands up and saying, oh well. i'm going to push her toward some goals when she's with me. (then she'll gladly go home).

but she earned her bronze award this past year, it was tough, hard work. but i'm sure with planning we can figure out how she can earn her silver award in two years. that's plenty of time.

then, her gold.

these are not insignificant accomplishments, and none i would have fall by the wayside. i believe in the things i've involved her in, and we are involved in together. so hopefully they will not fall away. hopefully it will mean, less idle time, and more meaninful time together. loving each other.

which is why i told her now, i'm moving in just under a month. and i wanted our last month together to be meaningful.

at the moment, we're holed up in our separate lives. and she is struggling. but i can't change any of it. so i must keep moving forward and encouraging her to that end as well.

i'm looking forward to it.

and the silent war rages on. even as i print out my final draft of my bachelor's paper. and say,

i'm moving out in january.

oh.

is all i get.

bah.