a woman's choices

i'm thinking a lot about influence. the kind of influence we have on each other. i am in the midst of hosting a culminating forum at my school. it's nearly over, and today i got the greatest reflection on my work from the mom of a 15 year old who hates her curvy body. she read her parts of my presentation and called it an

empowering feminine journey.

which makes me smile. because that is what it is.

i am, essentially, rallying women to be women.

this has nothing to do with men. it has everything to do with being the woman you are. the woman you imagine yourself to be. the woman you want to be in your heart.

too long my life has been about men. and i'm tired of it. i still enjoy them immensely. too much so, perhaps. but, it has not served me well. it has been more of a hindrance. a distraction.

at the poetry intensive i sat with one older gentleman who reminded me,

men are just desserts.

and i said,

yes, i should probably read that book again, but i also have a sweet tooth.

which made me think that i do deny myself sweets many times. but there are sometimes there is nothing like a good chunk of chocolate. see, i'm off on a tangent.

i have to spend more time exploring the feminine. perhaps i'll find that time when i'm not under the foot of any man. when i'm on my own, i'll maybe understand a bit more.

the gentlemand i was speaking with mentioned how men have essentially one choice in life unless they find some way out of it,

work. work hard.

he said.

and i said to him,

do you think women's choices are any easier?

i guess not.

he replied.

because i think while we may not get the social status rewards of a career (some women do, but do they miss the familial rewards? depends), we have --still to this day-- a diminished value. i understand this profoundly as i'm about to be turned out with no career, no six digit salary, nothing but hope and a prayer. neither of which have served me lately.

i'm trying to remember what it was i was supposed to do, how am i supposed to make it now. how do i not fall into patterns of dependence?

i'm not sure. i'm just going to have to give it my best shot. come what may.

look down the road and plan,

some people tell me. but again, i say,

how do you plan for what you cannot conceive?

there are things i don't know coming down the road, and i have to trust it will work out well without a man to save me. my ex is trying to jerk me around and give me nothing, so that will have to be dealt with, but for now, i'm going to set out and do my best to live by my own hand. to be the woman i know i am, and, when i hit a rough patch, i'll just pick myself up and dust myself off. i've not fallen by the wayside yet, and i never will. i figure, there is always work for those who are willing to work. and it will be rough, absolutely, but i will make it. somehow, i'll make it.

and all these experiences will serve me well.

yes, even the pain.