so many indecisions

the options are all before me,
the road not only forks but splits like a spike of lightning shooting down from the sky. they bend just beyond sight and i know, whatever path i take, it will be blind curves and i must trust my decision.

for i believe even when we make wrong decisions, there are no wrong decisions.

we do what we do and learn from the consequence.

my brother in law takes issue with me on this point, he says,

think about what could happen.

but i always say,

but what if you don't know what could happen? how do you think about it.

probably faulty logic there, sure theres some name for that fallacy. maybe i'm just making excuses for not looking down the road, but i've never possessed the gift of foresight and i've not been too bright with connecting every dot (especially those i can't see).

so, i trust. i ride it out. i walk the fog banked road and hope that kindness will be met along the way. and usually it is, it does come to me in many forms, in many ways and i'm astounded by it.

sitting outside of work, late the other night when i was most broken, my boss encouraged me to keep moving forward.

and i quiver and shake, trembling again, and i'm so tired of it. i want to be strong, but i'm not sure that doesn't include some frailty. some fissure. some tears.

i had a champion once, so long ago it felt i was another woman.
and now i've found myself again, reconnected, beyond grief. (that kind of grief, i got a whole new demeter thing goin' on).

and i want certain things to happen, but times are gravely uncertain and i try not to give myself over to the potential for failure. while at the same time, not rob myself with naivete. but it is not easy. i am inclined to believe. and that can be problematic.

so, this weekend i go away to rest, and to write. to weep, and to be amongst friends who know more about me than most. and i will be safe.

it is a peculiar thing, feeling safe. i keep weighing my options and asking myself if the choices i will make will be safe. i don't know, but i'm trying to think about it.

that's one thing the ex drummed into my head, though his is more fear based. and mine, more trust based. not sure which makes more sense.

and somewhere a hero is beyond reach and reason
but there are still moments when i remember. as if a crowd draws me away and i want to stay, to keep my eye set on the focal point which grows smaller and smaller, to the point i cannot recognize it anymore. and then i try to remember, but there are so many confusions and doubts. so many indecisions. how do i remember the good? what is good? and why would i believe it?

this i will say once more for the sake of believing,
that which is mine will come to me.

and i will gladly receive it.