for being a strong woman, you take a lot of shit.
.
i know,shaking my head,
i don't know how it happens.
.
i don't know what you're putting out there, but men want to control you.
because i drove to her, limped to her, aching. feeling like i'd been brutalized by my ex. not a good feeling and i cried a couple times over it.
when i told her, i knew she'd be furious.
you've been taking it all along, making excuses. even now you're making excuses.
we talked a long time. and she's right. i make excuses. i don't really know any other way to get where i'm going except to put up with a bit of shit along the way.
it's wrong.she says.
and i know she's right.
and so i went to ask the only one i trust at the moment, and he said the same thing.
it's harrassment. report him.
i don't want to do that.
but, i drive away knowing i am very, very close to having to.
what i want, all i want, is to get to my new store and be done with it. will this issue follow me? no. i will take steps today to stop it. to draw inviolable boundaries and there will be no more communication off the work phone when i'm there. even then, it will be limited. drastically.
i don't know what else to do. but i don't like feeling beaten down. i hate it. and it's not right.
my friend is trying to convince me that i don't "need" an artist to find acceptance. that a regular joe can suffice. but i keep saying,
i've done that already and look what it got me.
but i can't decide now what i will and won't accept. that is foolishness. so i go into tomorrow and see what happens. we may not even get along. who knows. i have no capacity for bullshit now. i'd rather be alone than with someone i don't trust.
and now i must away, long night ahead. i have an on off schedule for the next three days which is good. i worked six days straight last week and it kicked my ass. i'm going to get the girl in the am tomorrow and we'll spend the day horsing around, literally. her riding lesson, tracking down the other members of the herd, wherever they are and spending time with them.
then, the dinner party. i try not to think about it. because i'm not so good in groups. i have no interest in bullshit conversation, so we'll see how it goes. it's easier for me to be silent at these things than voice my odd opinions, but my friend knows this and forbade me to bring either book or pen, she'll probably frisk me before i get in her car. and she will make me, force me, to enjoy the company we're with.
hope i can oblige. i'm sure i can oblige. i'll just drink. nothing like a little whiskey to get the conversation going.
no matter how i turn it over in my mind, it seems like it will be, um, interesting. that's all i can say.
i'm wearing my leather pants.
.
good. look sexy,she says.
for men, it's all about the looks of a woman.
right. i'll try.
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