cramped in the deep end

good thing i was bouyed up by noodles, i swam a lap in the pool backwards, some part of me just seeing if it could be done. i hadn't ever tried to swim backwards, but i kept kicking and dragging my feet out of the water and back she went. my sister swimming beside me, i couldn't swim fast, but i progressed nicely. my girl finally breaking out to catch us, and at the deep end, where we touch our tushes to the wall and go "ping" (denoting the winner of said lap), nearly tackled me to keep me from touching the wall. she ping-ed before me, and ultimately won, but in the frenzy of battle, my entire calf cramped in a way that i'd not felt since i was pregnant.

i remember that night, i was asleep in the bed beside my grams, hugely pregnant, and she lept out of bed like a young woman and rubbed my leg until it stopped cramping. that's how she was. always nurturing, always taking care of me. every moment of my life i miss that woman.

my sister looks and acts very much like her now. she's had as many kids, her body is doing the same things. while she lacks the feisty temprament (i seem to have it in excess), she has the more tangible aspects of my sweet grams.

i arrived home the other night and she made her way to the door, everything, every move screaming gramsy.

what can i say.

being pregnant was a wonderful time, one i hope never to repeat. that is why i made the most of it, so i never regret. suck the marrow out is my motto. experience it fully. time is short. live large.

but it's not about the stuff, only about the people for me.

my pony came back to me. the radiator died. i had the guys check it over completely, and three new tires were also in order, so citing convenience, i went for it. why not. i already had a rental. no point dragging it out.

we picked it up and just made it to belly dance class where she proceeded to kick our asses. my sister will pack home my videos and a hip scarf to revel in the wonders of belly dance.

i was supposed to cook tonight, but everyone has cancelled, and i'm grateful. i don't feel like cooking and realized with my luck i'd probably make some culinary disaster and have to feel the clod for even suggesting it.

today i kept hearing,

it's all slipping away from me.

and how this is supposed to be my problem, i don't know. i had to keep the best face possible on it, and walk away. just turn and walk away.

that comes easy to me. i understand it.

i think in so many ways i've been too easy, too accomodating. that has to change, i have to find that line between my work ethic and other people's responsibilities.

i don't agree with a lot of what is going on, but my job now is just to do the best i can and then, walk away. i can do that.

i will do that.

soon.