soon, very soon.

so many things fall under this category for me. soon.

it almost makes me laugh. almost.

patience is a hard gig for me. i ain't got it. but i guess the way to get it is to wait for what you want. this does not seem to be as clear cut as it seems in my mind, because, i have to wait for some things. i have to let time pass. it is the nature of the universe, time must keep moving, and we must try not to get hung up on what went or the promise of what is coming.

but i do. i still do.

seems the wiccan mayday festival will take place while my sister is in town, and i hope i have the day off. so we can dress up and dance and laugh for an entire day together. what a blast. there will be belly dancers performing all day long, and i'm sure the dance will just break out as it really is a gathering of belly dancers. i can't wait.

i stumbled (more deliberate than that, but i'm being coy) into my proposed place of employ, and the manager had some news she could not tell me. and so, in the way of women's knowing, i know something i did not know before. i understand some of the complexities and am excited about the possibilities, though i still, admittedly, know nothing.

apparently, there is some jockeying going on, and it's not up to me where i'll end up. which is kind of nice. i like that fateful element. change is coming, it's in the wind. and perhaps it will do my soul good to move from where i've become predictable. ha!

i'm going to try to take my sister birdwatching while she's here, and shopping, and spoil her a bit. but mostly, i'll drag her around to meet the people i love, and just spend time loving her.

it's good, it's all good.

the cd is cut, without flaws (the flaws were my sad ass cd player in my car. it skips a lot. i should have realized this was not the recording, but my vehicle. the next day when i listened to it, perfection). so now i'm ready to pass the torch and let it happen as it will. i'm already tired of listening to myself read. the novelty lasted for a moment only. and when you have someone bright eyed and questioning, keenly interested in poetry for the first time in their life because they heard your work, it's something. immensely gratifying, i must say.

i'm to close the store with my boss tonight. he's not scheduled that long, but he'll likely stay. our days together are numbered and i know he'll miss me when i go. it's time though, past time. i could not find an exit before this, and i'm grateful it's shaping up where no one is getting damaged from it. my morbid thinking likely at play there.

but this intensely creative time continues and while it is a black creativity, it is mine and i embrace it. i'm keenly drawn to the dark at the moment, and i'm going with it to see what can be seen. while, at the same time, reading about a lighter belief system which at the moment i'm uninclined to say much about. i have only told three people i'm working through it, because i want to explore it without anyone else's input or agenda. my agendas are plenty, and i'm trying to let those go. hard to do when i'm grappling with another's.

went to that poetry reading the other night. i have to tread lightly with what i say. not that anyone reads this bullshit, but there are a few. and i've learned the hard way that what i say is more honest than most can handle. it does not win me any favors or friends (for that i'm grateful), but i also don't have to be vicious.

though i have my moments. believe me.

the big poet read, and i was ... here, i must be careful...let me just skip to the end. i introduced myself. he heard me read, and then after came up to me before leaving and said,

i liked the first poem best.

thank you.

i'll see you again.

yes.

i was talking to a few other poets who happened to be there.

enough said. it's better if i just leave it at that. i often burn bridges once i cross them, no point in burning them before i've even set foot on them.

so much creativity in the air. i'm ablaze. it's wonderful.

i couldn't live like that all the time,

my ny best friend said.

i have to turn it off.

i have lived too long without it to let it go now.

it's been something watching you these past few months, you've blossomed.

yes.

and i remember with gratitude the one who believed in me. the only one who believed in me even when i didn't believe in myself. the one who essentially loved me to life, and can only do the same for those i meet. give. lavish the love lavished on me. it is too good to keep inside. it is too much to hide. oh shit i'm rhyming.