dark and scary

so it's hard not to let your mind wander down dark roads, at least, i've never hemmed my mind in, braving the macabre, the dark, the scary even, for the sake of art. last night, i could have medicated somehow, but i didn't. i just felt the sheer fear of darkness. and it sucked. i cried. what can i say.

i always say, i'm not bound by the constraints of time, but perhaps i am.

song lines like, no one gets out of here alive kept running through my head. and i wondered if i am being issued a ticket, or if this is just routine healthcare (healthscare?).

don't know.

but i shuddered and was afraid. it's not so bad now, out and about with things to do. but i've that appt today and my eyes are all puffy from crying, which makes me look sleepy.

my boss made me laugh when i told him how scared i was. he is good for that, at least. odd hours, hilarious imagery. just what i need most.

and i try to lean toward tomorrow, but i can't lean past today. i have to be in today. i have to go with it. to sit in the admitting room of the hospital and get that little band around my arm.

i am reminded of the time i went on my birthday with a friend who was having the same thing done. she needed support. trouble with me is, i got no support.

i swam with my daughter last night, and had to get out of the pool, and i just sat in the locker room and cried. so many reasons, these bring them all to light. and if the worst happens, so be it. i'm ready. whatever. life has no guarantees.

if this is just routine maintenance, great. but i will have a bit more compassion when someone asks me for support. i will try to be present to them.

the great thing i've realized about this place i'm in is the utter isolation, in so many ways it's a good thing. in many other ways, not so much. who do i reach out to, where do i get support? not sure.

i thought back a lot last night to when i was married, what would i have done?

probably the same thing i did last night, cried and reached out to friends and my sister. there was no compassion in my home. and i don't want to scare my child. so that means, hole up in silence and put a smile on.

that is why, i guess it is better for me to live alone and be raw and real, than to be fakey strong. perhaps that is all my strength was, feigned courage.

i'm grateful for where i am, won't be here always. moving on, moving forward. i do have friends, just hard to remember that in the darkest nights.