duckies align

so, in my why not now approach to life, i've been speaking with people whose situations i know, and trying to fashion an out from my current store asap. (my boss says it will take a month, but not if i have any say in it. i have spoken to key people who, if they make their situations known, could fashion an exit for me now. it would be a quick easy transition for all involved.) it could be as soon as the next two weeks if things went down as i envision them. but, they may not. perhaps it is best i don't meddle. but i'm kind of a meddler. it's my life, i should be entitled to have some say.

i spoke to the manager i want to work for today, and she was excited to hear about the developments. she even solicited my assistance, which i promptly gave her. (it can't hurt to impress a potential boss with my speed of response. i'm very fast with shit. i don't know, it just comes to me easily somehow). i don't know what will come of it, but it's two seconds from my gym, four seconds from my house. all around a better, much better gig for me. and this morning, the place was hopping, at least five people on the floor. haven't ever seen that. i would like to see that. (in a store where they are actually needed, that is. i've been scheduled with five other kids who stood around and talked the entire time. what a waste that is).

so, it's raining. no drumming tonight. that bums me out. but, whatever. it will come again. i will away to orange county to hang with my friend there. we will laugh a lot. that is the good thing about her. she makes me laugh.

i'm curious to see the response a poem i just wrote got. let me check it out.

...yes, it is as i thought, the poem is viable. i like it a lot, even now. but these are my children and i adore them. it's just there was this one word that wanted to be there. i tried to reason with it, tried to say, you're too big, too gawdy, you don't really fit or make sense, but it was obstinant, ever the petulant child and i the doting mother more slave to my children than guide, relented. i do that, give them what they want. because when i'm growing, stretching, changing, i want that kind of freedom, to demand certain things and get them. to want certain things, even when they don't make sense, and get them.

this happened with my profs the last two semesters. the first of my final three sems, this was not an issue because my prof was tribal. abnaki nation, and he had that mystical/intuitive thang going on. the latter were more the kind of profs one happens upon in the academic setting.

i kept saying,

trust me, please. i know this is right though i can't tell you now where it is headed or how it will come together.

and they did. i'm so grateful for trust. i fly blindly. i ask a lot of trust from those i deal with, because i don't even know, i don't pretend to know outcomes or even destinations. i've let go of all those things. all i know is at this moment, here is where i'm at and this is what i think is what is going on. what needs to happen now.

now is all i know.

and it makes me think of one dear to me. certain the past has made him what it has, and sure. it has. but it is gone. over. done. we are not merely the sum of our experiences. we're still living, breathing, capable beings able to determine our own ends. we can make choices and set a course. one not grounded in past hurts and pain. i see that. i understand that. i lived there for a very long time.

i don't live there anymore.

you got angry.

i've been honest.

because you see, i've come to the place in my life where it's all out on the table. if you're in my life, you're in the loop. if you don't want to be in the loop, then take the exit. but if you're here, i'm going to be honest. not appropriate. not predictable, but real.

because i've worked too hard, too long to get to this place.

so long i was unable to speak my mind, to be perfectly clear about where i was at. i was trapped in my head and heart and mind. but not anymore. is this easy, no? it's a lot for some people to bear, and those are the people i do not frequent. because i won't go back to guessing what you want from me and jumping through hoops like some trained dog. never again.

i have this quote i need to read to you. i thought of it, but you were right, i was lost in your eyes and forgot myself. that happens. so sometime, when i have my wits about me, i will stir it up, i wrote it on the margin of a book i was reading at the time. it's about personal power. this is not the whole quote, merely a part of it, but it gets to the point sufficiently for now:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
Marianne Williamson

i believe this is the situation. think about it. stop believing you're only the result of what has been done to you, who people said you are, and that you're powerless to change today. you are able to be whomever you want to be today.

i, for one, believe in you completely.

it is my greatest weakness at the moment.