self-appointed

i'm being told things will be awful where i'm going, that i'll call and want to come back. i say,

i don't retreat. you don't know me.

this one whom i thought had my back seems only to want to cut off my escape and it's made me a bit paranoid. i'm just tired, i think. but it really feels like he's setting himself up as my self-appointed protector. i don't need or want his protection. i never did.

i finally laid down the law, and he's abided by it somewhat. still get the occasional text, but i ignore it.

the babies called me again. don't know if i mentioned it, but my eighteen month old twin nieces have taken to dialing my cell when they should be napping, and we chat. they giggle. i don't understand them, but i hear their gentle coos and it makes me happy. though they woke me at around midnight last night, their momma abed beside me. i get it, they know where she is.

the chief thought it was very cool that the twins call me. i do too, so glad they even know who i am. babies matter to me immensely. i'm just glad i don't have any more to raise.

and i'm just so tired.

my pony threw a shoe. not really. but i was driving to pick up my sister and noticed, as i'm sitting the baking sun and slight traffic that the temp gauge is rising, it was about three quarters of the way up when i noticed, and flipped on the heater to high, and rolled down all the windows. i made it to the airport and back, but after we stopped for breakfast i noticed a pool of water under my pony.

not sure what to make of it, i drove it straight to the car guys and told them,

do whatever it takes. but don't call my ex, i left him. he won't care.

i had to rent a car, a little subcompact jobbie. a pregnant rollerskate one customer called it. i don't mind it though, it's necessary. i'm so busy, if this had happened at any other time without the serendipitous delay of my sister's flight about an hour, i would have completely overheated in newark. the gods favor me. i believe this.

so i'm working with the classics scholar and we're both running on waaay too little sleep, we're like the keystone cops just trying to get drinks straight. it isn't very difficult but i'm having comprehension issues today. and i've a full day.

the chief is presenting at drew university tomorrow and i said i'd look over a paper he's working on. i had just exited the shower, complete with alice cooper eyes, and when i knocked on his door he said,

whoa!

i look like you feel, right?

and he laughed.

i was wasted tired, and had to bed, as four o'clock comes early. i will take my sister to belly dance class, then swimming with my girl, then home, and do it all over again.

by tomorrow, perhaps i'll enter delirium.

she wants to go to the city, i'm wondering if i can fit it in on friday morning. it's the only spot of time in my week not yet spoken for. how i long to just sleep in, but one can't when one has guests. and i've left her alone more than i'd intended. she doesn't like being alone.

but she'll be with the chief tomorrow, my girl on friday, me on saturday, and home sunday.

i think i'll go to bed and not get up for a couple days after she leaves (provided i have them off). i was asked if i'm counting the days until i'm done here, and i wasn't since i am working with the person who loathes me, i now am. i just don't get it.

my friend said,

so, you're impossible to work with?

am i?

that's what i understand. but i don't think so.

thanks.

it's weird, how we're perceived. i'm feeling rather paranoid here lately. i just want out. i want out now. the sooner the better. i feel my skin crawling and i'm trying not to make any mistakes. but i mentioned a few of the comments customers have made to me to my friend this morning and he said,

wow, really? what a jerk to say that.

i don't think my paranoia is entirely unfounded.

i explained a lot to him about my perspective of this store, i think it saddened him ultimately. he doesn't want me to leave, for sure.

it's not right, you leaving.

he said.

he doesn't realize what he's losing.

thanks.

i look forward to my new place, new stomping grounds.

monday morning i slept fitfully as my sister was flying all over the nation (rerouting, etc), and i kept getting phone calls updating me, so i'd know when and where to pick her up. finally the calls stop and a supervisor from my work calls me at 5am, the opener, she'd forgotten how to turn off the alarm. which i find curious.

i'm just so tired. must rest.
tonight i'll likely use a noodle to drag my exhausted body through the water.

i'm not even working out this week, no time, no energy.